Brain Injury Story, as told by Claire

Thoughts about Bumps and Guilt

2012-02-02T20:24:00.001-08:00

Guilt is something that comes naturally to me!!! Even as a child, if I misbehaved at school and my teacher didn't catch me..... I would turn myself in to my teacher!!!! As previously mentioned work in recent past has been pure heck. A change in pay, assignment, long commute, new coworkers, etc. While there were moments of, "Next time I'll do this differently....." Much of what led up to the changes was beyond my control.

When things have gone wrong in life, I tend to blame myself first! What I could have done differently, how I could have (supposedly) avoided it, what I did to bring it upon myself, etc. While it has differently gotten better over the years, to some degree it is still there! Recently through various conversations with those close to me, thoughts/pondering, reading, etc, I have learned a few things. Important things.

For example, when trying to reach your goals, pursue your dreams, work hard, etc. There WILL be challenges. BUT it doesn't automatically mean that I am completely at fault, brought it all upon myself, etc. It is part of living life, being human, etc. It could be different if I were content to just "chill" in life, let whatever happens, happen, stay where I'm at, etc. But as hard as the bumps in life can be.... I think life would be MUCH less satisfying and more boring without the bumps! As the saying goes, "You can't have a rose without some thorns!"

These are lessons I hope to remember and apply often in the future.

Emotional Signs.......

2011-12-06T18:46:00.000-08:00

Work life this past 4-6 weeks has for the most part been pure HECK. I am NOT trying to be dramatic, attention-seeking, etc. Just honest :)

Now that the dust is beginning to clear, I have learned things about myself, how I respond in times of high emotion-stress, depression, anixety, etc. There is no right or wrong, just a list of things that are "signs" of when I have high emotions.

-I tend to eat less, but something about a cheese quesadilla (slices of a cheese on a whole wheat tortilla nuked in the microwave for 42 seconds) becomes the most appealing dish! When I'm eating more cheese quesadillas, it often something is going on!

-I tend to sleep more on the living couch than in my bed. When I am stressed, I prefer to go to bed watching tv while laying on the couch. I find just laying in my bed in quiet can be kind of stressful

-It can be harder to get "regular" things done-hair done, prescriptions picked up, go the gym, etc. It often does get done sometimes just not as often as it might otherwise.....

The point? It's not so much about me, just word of advice to become aware of you and your feelings. Discover habits, triggers, etc. that occur when your emotions are running high. It can help you identify the challenge and work towards a solution.

Life Happens......

2011-11-29T17:23:00.000-08:00

Life has been..... a bit...... eventful lately with events ranging from a broken washer, broken tooth, serious trouble at work for events that were beyond my control, etc. When things go wrong, I tend to blame myself- looking at how it could have gone differently, what I could have done to avoid it, etc. Obviously, it really doesn't make me feel any better :)

But I recently learned and believed that life simply happens!!!! Yes, there are those moments that I bring upon myself through choices, actions, whatever but most of the time it happens all on its own! I realized that I have to separate the "how/why" of what happened and focus instead on getting through it as best I can. Again, remembering that life simply happens, to all of us:)

Keep Your Eyes Open!!!!

2011-10-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

The other day I was working out with my trainer at the gym when she presented me with a daunting task. She combined a series of "steps" like what you use for step aerobics until the "step" was about 14 inches and challenged to jump on top off it with both feet. A daunting task for several reasons!

I missed many times in a row trying to get on top of the step. I'd miss completely, or I'd get just one foot on top, or both feet would just brush the top. At first I thought I was missing due to fear, and I was a bit scared! Scared that I would fall off, fall to the ground, hit my back or something like that. But once my trainer paused and showed me exactly where I had to land, right in the middle of the step with both feet, I discovered the source of my problem. I was jumping with my eyes closed!

Once I focused on where I had to land and made sure to keep my eyes open I began to hit/stick the landing. Not each time, but it did happen! And I began to think of how it applies to life. That there are things I want to do, try, accomplish, etc but for whatever reason-fear, feeling overwhelmed, unsure, etc. I don't focus on it with my eyes open. I kind of wander through and hope that things will come together as I want them to.

Lately, when I set my eye on something, I next sit down and write down, step by step where it was I want to go, and how I want to get there. Trying my best to focus on just one thing at a time-not an easy task for me! But thinking it through, writing it down, focusing and keeping my eyes open has made a world of difference in seeing where I want to go and staying the course to get there.

External Help

2011-08-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been learning about the external help. There are a lot of things in the world that I would like to do, be better at, learn about, etc. But a combination of the brain injury (needing more to process the steps, lower frustration tolerance level) and life circumstances in general can make it more challenging to learn skills, master them, etc. This is the part where "external help" comes in. Some examples from my own life.

-Recently I started working at the gym I already go to with a personal trainer. I know this is not for everybody, but for me, I have LOVED it. It takes all the "guesswork" out of exercising and strength training. Recently, I ran in another 1/2 marathon (not my first) while I was happy about my finishing time, by far the best part was that I was not sore the next day!!!! I credit a lot of that to my trainer and the strength training exercises she showed me.

-Before I hired a trainer, I would ask friends who had knowledge of strength training to go with me to the gym and show me some strength training exercises I could do
-My mom going with me to buy plants for my garden and giving me tips along the way

-I have a sister who LOVES to organize. She has helped me with many an organizing project. Recently I was on my own to tackle my bedroom and closet but a lot of what she had patiently taught me was still in my head. The result! I love walking into a room and closet that is organized, I breathe a sigh of relief and smile

The point is, as you feel comfortable there are often times many people around you happy to help you, guide you, teach you. Often free of charge, too! Or you can always google "how to" There are some skills too, that are just not for me. No matter how many times I am taught by different people at different times I will likely not get up on waterskis or bowl anything over 86. So be flexible with your goals :)

But if there are such skills you would like to learn, to practice, I would like to encourage you to not be stopped by fear or lack of know how. Chances are there is someone or something out there that would be more than happy to teach/guide you. And when you have learned that skills, it feels fantastic!

Questions? Comments?

Anxious Behavior

2011-07-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

Recently I was visiting with a friend who told me about a family member of hers who was trying to kick the habit of "hoarding" The individual admitted that she was a "hoarder," buying things to quell her anxiety.

I believe that anxiety can influence a lot of different behaviors, particuarly those that we engage in during full-on anxiety. The behavior serves to distract from the anxiety-if you deny a problem, there is none! Or just simply engaging in behavior that is not overly constructive, but you do it to try and make the anxiety go away.

I found this conversation rather fascinating because it got me thinking about what I do in my bouts of anxiety. It made me want to know what behavior I engage in to deny the anxiety or try to make it go away.

I discovered that in my high moments of anxiety, I engage in technology/entertainment. I watch more consecutive tv shows, check my e-mail more often, spend more time on facebook, etc. There are other, perhaps more constructive behaviors I could engage in such as reading a book, exercising, cooking, etc. but I tend to choose the "technology/entertainment" because for me, it seems to require less "brain power" and more "distraction"

Email, tv, facebook, etc are great in moderation. The problem is that when my anxiety hits I tend to spend too much time engaged in those activities, just waiting for the anxiety to pass. One 1/2 hr tv turns into 2 hours, I'm rechecking facebook to see if any of my friends have updated their status.

And really, all those behaviors do is overstimulate my brain. Next time, I feel anxious, my goal is to pick up a book, cook something at the stove, put on running shoes, find a more constructive outlet for dealing wtih my anxiety, one that will leave me feeling less overstimulated in the end.

Questions??? Comments????
Thanks for reading!!!

One Important Question

2011-07-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

When facing anxiety, less desirable situations-I am learning to ask myself One Important Question. "What is the worst that could happen?" When I take time to stop, think and try to create a logical answer, I usually discover that "the worst" really isn't so bad, my fears are somewhat unfounded, etc. Asking myself, "What's the worst that could happen,?" is a question that give me perspective and keeps me grounded.

Make it Fun!

2011-07-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

Though I have yet to be a parent, I am an educator by trade and have lived through being a child with a disability. During the summer, I tutor twins who sustained brain injuries (sadly, due to abuse) I have a main rule for myself during tutoring sessions.

For whatever I am teaching-math, reading, science, etc. "Make it FUN! Make it a game!" If it's not fun, I might as well be wasting my time. None of us really enjoy learning via drill/repetition, and even if I may get the point across once, if it wasn't engaging or appealing to them, it is much less likely to stick with them.

I believe that making learning fun is crucial for a child with a brain injury because there is so much that does need to be taught. For a child with a disability, they are much less likely to pick up on cues, learn something just by observing it once, be able to apply it naturally to other concepts/generalize the concept learned. For those reasons, more learning is usually needed so if it can be taught in a fun, engaging way, so much the better!

Give Yourself a Pep Talk

2011-07-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

Recently, I celebrated the 4th of July holiday by doing an 8 mile run with a good friend! It may sound crazy to some, I know.... 8 miles was longer than I have run in sometime and I cannot say that all moments were "fun" But we made it through. Together.

My friend set the pace, I followed her, and I gave us the pep talks along the way. Things like "I will NOT throw up here, (eating a cookie before a run, BAD idea) c'mon legs-don't fail us now, it's downhill up ahead-we love downhill!"

As cheesy as those sound(ed) they totally worked! We finished the 8 mile run with smiles, dumped bottles of water over our heads (it was HOT) and felt very accomplished!

I find giving myself "pep talks" is very beneficial as well! Reminding myself of things that I maybe don't want to do, but I know I can do. Tell myself that a short, unpleasant experience will be followed by something much more rewarding. And keep telling myself those things enough that I soon believe it!

It's Not All About Me!!!!

2011-07-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in a previous post, I tend to have guilt involving other people and their feelings. Working on kicking that habit! Anyway....

For example, when someone close to me, a good friend, roommate, sibling, etc. is out of sorts, seems upset around me, etc. my thoughts tend to jump to what I did/could have done to upset that individual. What do I ned to change?

However, my sister taught me an impt lesson regarding this type of scenario. It's not all about me! When my focus is on "what did I do, how did I affect the other person," I'm not necessarily concerned about them or trying to help them. I'm trying to make sure I stay on their "good side" Recently, I had an experience where things seemed out of sorts with someone close to me. Out of the blue, unusual kind of behavior for this friend. Trying to heed my sister's advice, I laid low, just let things pass and within 48 hrs things were back to normal!

So,when having anxiety about relationships remember this, "It's not all about you!" Remembering this has certainly worked for me!

Care About Claire Day

2011-07-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

Recently I had another "really bad day" Thankfully, this time my emotions didn't spill over onto other but I was truly hurting inside! Just too many emotional events at once! I had support from family and friends, though.

Still working through it the next day, Sunday, I decided to give myself a "Care About Claire Day." This is something I do truly for myself on occassion. I call it by a different name, using my real name, but the idea is the same. I have one goal: only do things that I truly "want" to do. Granted, it's not fool-proof, stuff may come up that needs to be done, but I try to stick to the goal of doing things I want to do.

And this time, I created another goal, to "love myself as much as possible." Rather than be hard on myself to get over it, compare myself, etc. I chose to love myself because I knew I was hurting. Loving myself made a huge difference!

You will want to make your "care day" your own but here is a sampling of activities that I have enjoyed on my various "care days": bake cookies, go for a walk, read a good book, clean/organize, go shopping, try a new recipe, watch a movie, chat with a good friend, nap, long hot shower, play with my nieces and nephews.

And if you may be thinking, "Nice idea, but there's no way I could take that kind of time for myself." Carve out what time you can spare for yourself without adding extra stress. If you could create more time by having someone help you, don't be afraid to ask for that help! People understand.

Happy "Care About Claire Day" and I hope you enjoy celebrating your own "Care Day" It's a Holiday I HIGHLY reccommend!

Free Pass

2011-07-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

I try very hard in life to be considerate of other people's feelings, schedules, etc. Majority of the time I do pretty well at it, I believe. But other times my emotions/life get too overwhelming for me and it spills over onto other people.

Even though I know perfection is an "illusion" sometimes it still sounds really good to me! Telling myself things like, "If I just tried harder..." etc. For that reason when I do make choices that affect other people (ie taking out my moods on them) it can be very hard for me to let it go, move on, etc., even after I have made ammends.

I had one of those experiences recently. I don't remember the events that led up to it but I was emotional, my emotions did spill over to other people. I apologzied but I still felt embarassed and had a hard time letting it go, would those people I had affected really forget about it??? Discussing this with a friend the phrase was used, "Sometimes you need to cut yourself some slack." The word "need" really struck with me and helped me realize that it really was OK!

Further, I remembered that we all have bad days. We all have choices we would like to redo. No one is immune to challenges in life and sometimes it just feels like it's too much! It happens. Truly I hadn't meant to say the things that I had, I was just going through a really bad time.

With that in mind, I developed the strategy of giving myself a "free pass" For those when I was struggling and just needed to remember that it was all OK! Not to exclude myself from responsibility or making ammends, just to remember to ease up on myself and move on. For the next few hours whenever I was tempted to relive those events in my mind, I told myself, "Free pass, free pass, free pass." And it worked! To the degree that now, a couple weeks later I don't remember a thing about the situation, just that it was a time to give myself a "free pass" to cut myself some slack and move on!

Questions? Comments?

Focus on What You Can Control

2011-06-18T05:29:00.000-07:00

I have a very wise and loving sister, "Elizabeth." We talk about lots of things in life and one piece of advice that has stuck with me over time is "Focus on what YOU can control." Don't waste energy on what you can't change.

So, in light of the previous post, instead of being concerned with being a "good enough" friend I am instead putting my energy into ways that I CAN be a good friend. I can still call, text, send cards and invite them over to dinner.

The advice to "focus on what you can control" has helped me a lot. It applies to many different situations and it gives me new perspective, helps me to focus on the positive and invest my energy into the "doing."

What pieces of advice have been helpful for you????

Choosing Limits

2011-06-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

A bit of background, for various reasons, brain injury being a small part of that, I don't have a car of my own to drive. My friends are great at giving me rides, helping me to get places, etc without a word of complaint. I try to be considerate of their schedule, treat them to lunch or dinner, etc.

My friends are also good, kind people who care about one another and want to help them. Recently I heard about several acts of kindness done to friends with the use of a car (ie taking to a dr's appt, bringing them balloons, and more). I felt bad, wishing that I could do more to be a better friend, that I could have more opportunities to show my friends that I cared. (I share this because I know that we all, at one time or another wish we were more, better, etc).

I began to wonder if I was a poor friend, selfish with my time when I could be doing more. But let's face it when your option is your feet, it's harder to get stuff done and share it with others. I wanted SO much for my friends to know how I cared, and hoped that they knew it.... I was concerned that maybe I wasn't doing enough to repay all that they do for me.

But I did begin to make a list of good things I do/did whether for friends or not..... Here's some of what I discovered: attended a wedding reception, helped my parents in the yard, sent a text to a friend that I was thinking of, hosting a celebratory party for a friend, baby-sitting for neices and nephew. It was a nice change to think good things about myself instead of being so hard on myself.

And.... I realized something else-very important and very true!!! You are only as limited as you choose to be!!!

Something to think about.

Triggers and Signals

2011-06-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about "triggers and signals." For example, example what tends "trigger" my anxiety and the "signals" of how I know it likely my anxiety causing problems, not something else..... Obviously, each case is going to be different but here are some examples of how it has happened in my own life......

I recall once being in church and suddenly feeling so mad and anxious about going to a family dinner later that day. I was mad that I didn't have a car, why did I need to go with my parents, etc. All valid points but as I backtraced my thoughts they really had little to do with the source of my tension. Rather, it was that there were some tough situations at work, I didn't want my parents to worry, I didnt' want to talk about it with them, but I was so worried that the topic would come up on the 15 drive to the family dinner. But as I worried more on that topic, it led to being mad about not having a car, mad about driving somewhere with my parents, etc.

So when I'm able to recognize that my thoughts, anxiety, has taken a major leap, I know I need to stop, think and realize what the real problem is.

Another is how I communicate and my impulses. When I am communicating via phone, text or e-mail more than is typical during the day(s) it's usually a sign of anxiety. My impulse to contain my thoughts, wait on them, etc. is much lower. It's also much harder to control my impulses with eating.

In order to recognize your own signals and triggers, first you have to be aware behaviors and attititudes are more typical, the norm for you. I find that it helps to have a "routine" so it's easier to assess when the routine is off. I also will write down my feelings, how I felt, when, why, so that I become more familiar with them over time and they become easier to recognize.

What signals and triggers have you recognized in your own life? And how did you come to recognize them?

Just Being Myself-Not Right or Wrong

2011-06-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

In some areas I can be a perfectionist at times-I like to have good hair days, have outfits that coordinate with accessories. I like to have "everything in it's place." To name a few.....

But...... there are also areas where I am NOT a perfectionist. For examples, hanging pictures on my wall. If no one is around, I'll hang it myself, even if it is a bit (or more than a bit) crooked! It just doesn't bother me. When I have dinner guests all the glasses and plates and silverware do not match or even come close to it.... And a centerpiece? Forget about it! Perhaps in the future though....

The point is, there are those I know and love who are bothered by crooked pictures and who make beautiful centerpieces. They do care about those things and good for them! The point is that we can all care about different things, do different things well, and it's OK! Truly, there is no right or wrong.

Remember that and trust me, I am working on remembering it myself......

Unhealthy Friendships, 2

2011-06-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

Part two about unhealthy friendships.....
Brain injury or not, making friends has not necessarily come easy for me. I've had my share of ups and downs which is motivated to write this specific blog post. For anyone who has been in that position, my hope is to share what I have learned, let you know that you are not alone, and to perhaps benefit someone else. Your feedback/experiences are welcome as well!

As in the last blog post, there's red flag for friendship, but also a resolution!
Red Flag: Constant compliments, affirmation
It is no secret to those who know me that I am sucker for sentimentality-I save cards, replay conversations in my head, reread e-mails, etc. And that's OK! However, there can be too much of a good thing...... As previously mentioned, there have been friends who have not treated me well. They would expect me to do things with them on their timetable, show up late when we had made plans, occassionally criticized for miniscule things.

And I let them treat me like that. Why? Because mistreatment was usually followed by a string of compliments. I really liked hearing all these good things about myself (who doesn't?), and so even though I deserved better, the compliments made me like putty, and all was forgotten.

Resolution: Recognize that you deserve better
I can't speak for everyone, obviously, only myself. But I have learned that no matter how much I feel/think I NEED that person to be my friend, and as scary as it may be to let the friendship go (will another friend come along???) being used, criticized, etc. simply isn't worth it. And I found as I believed that about myself, that I deserved better, the easier it was to attract those who would be a good friend to me. Not easy, but doable!!!

Questions??? Comments???

Unhealthy Friendships

2011-06-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

Friendships are, I believe, a crucial part of life, well-being, etc. However, forming healthy, lasting relationships can also be easier said than done! For me, at least in the beginning, friendship requires concious thought, rethinking and relearning. Due to the brain injury, it can be harder to read social cues, have social anxiety, etc creates challenges in forming friendships. BUT..... While I'm no expert, I have learned a few things along the way and I would like to share them with you. Perhaps, they will be of use to you, as well!!!!

First, I had a lot to learn about what defines a healthy/unhealthy relationship. Because I struggled making friends for so many years, I came to believe that anyone who was willing to be my friend, was a good friend. After all, who knew if/when another friend would come along? As a result, I would let myself be used by peers, get myself into an unhealthy relationship.

Learning as I went along, I began to discover red flags of an unhealthy relationship. Red Flag #1: friend wants you to do everything with them, on their schedule. Example: I had been thinking about joining a gym for fun, but money was tight. My friend, who admitted, she was overweight, also wanted to join a gym. She offered to pay my gym fees for me, but on one condition, that "whenever I go to the gym, you have to go with me." Um, no thanks.

How to get out of this red flag? Trust Yourself. And your instincts. Because I had treated myself as if I needed anyone to be a friend, those close to me had learned to see me that way as well. So, when I did voice my concerns to others, they saw it as her "being a good friend." But in my gut, I knew something wasn't quite right and so in time that led me to end the relationship.

Your thoughts or experiences are welcome!!!!

Next blog: more friendship red flags and resolutions.... stay tuned!!!

The Importance of Being Aware

2011-06-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been learning a lot about myself, being aware of what works, what doesn't, etc. These can be difficult lessons to learn at times but I have found some ways to make the learning easier because I've found these lessons to be very valuable!

For me, the best time for learning comes when my routine is "off" The next is to "stop and think." For example, on nights when I expect to sleep well but instead wake up in the middle of the night. I pause to consider my routine. "What did I do/not do before bed? What is happening tomorrow? Are any of these things enough to keep me awake?"

Sometimes the answer surprises me. For example, a sink with a few dirty dishes or some clothes on the closet floor may not seem like much but I have learned that even a minor mess can lead me to go to bed feeling "unfinished" and then I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to clean and "finish the job" Thus, I'm more motivated to do a basic clean-up before going back to bed.

I have also learned what effects my hobbies/exercise habits. I love to run and until a couple months ago, did most of my running inside on my treadmill. This was due to winter, rain, full-time work, etc. Then I started running outside with some friends a couple times a week. Now that school is out for the summer/more free time, I expected to get a lot of treadmill time in. Nope! Now that the weather is (getting warmer) and I've been running outside more, my treadmill has become unappealing to me! I still want/need the exercise but now I plan my schedule for outside runs.

So, final things to consider- your routine: what is typical/what is not? When things are off, what do you want/need to change?
It's not necessarily easy but becoming more aware about yourself can really pay off. Happy learning!!!

Embarrassment and Appreciation

2011-05-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

In recent, I became aware of certain behaviors that I wanted/needed to change. Certain degress of this behavior did affect other people. No one was hurt or offended by my behaviors, I wasn't in danger, etc., I just became more aware and wanted to change.

My initial reaction(s) was embarrassment-that I could have acted in such a way, not known better, made better choices, etc. What followed was some definite "alone time" of a couple days without pressures of being around other people, possible judgements, etc. I needed to be alone with myself and my thoughts and assess where I was at, where I wanted to go and how I wanted to get there. At moments, the embarrassment did feel painful, although not all-consuming.

BUT....as I began to be brave and make changes, venture out of my comfort zone, I noticed some things. (1)I wasn't embarrassed anymore! (2)As I had changed, moved on, etc. I could look back and reflect with a MUCH greater appreciation for where I was currently, because I knew so well where I had been!

Life is full of adventures- in learning and otherwise!!!

Something that helps me sleep

2011-05-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

I've long had the thought that my bed is the MOST comfortable when I have to get out of it-to wake up, go to work, etc. It felt like a bed from a hotel-soft, comfortable, warm, etc. However, when laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, or trying to go back to sleep, my bed felt much less comfortable!

Essentially, my mind felt like a giant stopwatch- "if I go to bed by this time, then i'll get 3 hours of sleep. If i don't fall asleep until this time, I'll only get 2 1/2 hrs of sleep." I had a LOT of anxiety about "what if I don't get enough sleep?" In my mind, lack of sleep would set off a chain of events for the next day-I'd be ornery, wouldn't want to do as much, wouldn't eat as well, etc. So by the time I'd built all this up in my mind, I'd made it much harder to go to sleep!!!!

Eventually it clicked in my mind that the bed felt so comfortable when I woke up, was the SAME bed I used to go to sleep! So now, when I'm trying to get to sleep, I give myself a pep talk of sorts. I tell myself that it's OK if I don't go to sleep right away. I tell myself that in the meantime I'll enjoy my big, soft pillow, my silky sheets, the blanket that my grandma made years ago. And yes, if you happen to be in my room when I'm going to sleep you really will hear me saying these things to myself!

The point is that by focusing more on how comfortable my bed feels, I feel more relaxed and I'm able to get to sleep. I even discovered that I enjoy the process of relaxing in my bed while trying to fall asleep!

Relaxing Feels Good

2011-04-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was hit with a bad cold and fever, taking two days off of work.

And all though I felt particularly crummy at times, wishing I could breathe and hear better, I had few complaints. Why? Because I had two days with just one goal-relax. I'm not the world's best relaxer but I do believe that relaxation is a goal, an action. Before my anxiety was reduced (still a work in progress) I would kind of relax but it was more of just "passing time," a lot of time, until the anxiety went away. I didn't necessarily enjoy it, for example 2 straight hours of watching tv and nothing else.

But when I do have a goal, time set aside to "relax," it's different. I have a book I want to read, a movie I want to watch, a walk I want to take, etc. I feel refreshed after I deliberately relax. It gives me the clarity of thought to figure out "what next?" Another advantage for me of having a goal of relaxing is that I put myself first.

It also really felt good for those two days to have my sole goals to be "taking care of self," and no one else. To feel that it was OK to only focus on myself for awhile.

With what I have learned I am now more motivated to schedule and create time for myself with just one goal-relaxing. Not just relax when I am sick, but consistently. Because it really does feel good!!!!

Less Anxiety==More Time

2011-04-06T15:45:00.000-07:00

In the past couple months or so I recognized I had a harder time "staying the course" Not staying SO down so much of the time, sticking to working/completing my goals. I would go along fine but when a bump in the road would, I would tend to just want to quit. Completely. Lately I have been working to reduce my anxiety through medication, Neurofeedback, and lifestyle changes. It is a work in progress, but the more my anxiety is reduced the more I learn about life and myself. Namely that less anxiety means more time. Time to do something for myself and more productive time. Anxiety can be a silent and stealthy robber. Without being fully aware of it, it caused to waste a lot of time watching tv, laying around, facebooking, etc. All of these things have their place, I'm not suggesting that every moment of the day needs be scheduled and structured. For me, the bigger picture was WHY I was wasting some much time not wanting to really engage in much. It was the anxiety was so potent that it made much harder to focus on things and I didn't want to focus so much on things that took time, energy and effort. Instead, I wanted to just "pass the time," and "entertain"myself. And watching tv can go by very quickly!!!! As I continue with treatment and lifestyle changes it is amazing to me how much more motivation and time I have now! To engage in activities that I not only want to do but that are constructive/productive. A lot more opportunities/goals have opened up to me now that I had forgotten about before. It's very much a work in progress but for now...... it's all good!

2011-04-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

Recently I had a fun but busy weekend which left a lot of dishes to be washed, tasks to be done, items to be put away in my apartment. When I woke up on Sunday morning in the middle of the night, I immediately knew why. I didn't have order! Granted, I was sleeping in my bedroom, away from the clutter in the living room and kitchen, but my brain still sensed that there was clutter and things undone. In this case, I did a minimal 3:00am cleanup and promptly went back to bed! But to me, this is a classic example of how clutter can and does throw a person off. When there's more clutter than order I can feel myself stress/tense up. It throws me off and I have to take a few minutes to decided I want/need to do next. Here a some strategies that have helped me find and create more order in my life: -clean up before I go to bed. Not deep cleaning but things like hanging up clothes, loading the dishwwasher, filing bills I paid earlier -have a quiet hour without the cell phone, ipod, laptop or tv. Schedule permitting. -consistently get books from the library. I find that I am often attracted to technology for the desire to be "entertained" However, reading a new book can motivate to break away from the technology. So can trying a new recipe These strategies are hit and miss, trial and error. But when I do consistently engage in "orderly behavior" I CAN tell the difference. I am less stressed/tense. I sleep better and exercise more. I'm happier and more productive. What behaviors or strategies have helped you to find/create order in your life?

Not Enough Frosting-An Analogy in Perfectionism

2011-03-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

Several years ago I was having dinner with friends I hadn't seen in awhile and I was asked to bring a desert for the dinner. I had a new recipe for a square layer cake I wanted to try. The cake turned out beautifully and deliciously, but then it came time to frost the cake, and I only had enough frosting for three sides.......

Panicked (a non-fully frosted cake isnt' perfect after all!!!!) I tried calling the neighbors in my apt complex to see if they had frosting, tried to make my own chocolate frosting, steal frosting from the other layers, etc. None of these worked and the harder I tried to "fix" the cake, the worse it looked and the more frustrated I got. Finally, I wrapped the whole thing in foil and put in the fridge hoping this would help me to just "leave it alone."

At some point in time, I did start thinking, "Does this really matter???" No, not really. Yes, the cake wouldn't be "perfect" but my friends would still be glad to see me! Would they judge me by my dessert? No, they would just be glad that I brought a dessert of some kind.

There are definitely times and situations that "do matter" in life. For example, doing your taxes. But much like I had to ask myself while trying to finish frosting a cake, "Does this really matter???" The majority of the time, it doesn't! I try to remind to look at the bigger picture.

For example, I generally don't stress about the "perfect gift" for someone- the more important picture is that I got them a gift, I did put time, thought and energy into it and so if they don't like it, too bad for them! Like with the cake, the more important picture was being with my friends and supplying some form of dessert.

So, when faced with a stressful situation remember to ask yourself, does this really matter???? You might find yourself surprised at the answer!

Recognize and Celebrate Your Strengths

2011-03-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today I have been thinking about the importance of recognizing and celebrating your strengths. Especially those that may seem smaller, less significant, etc. It's all about what you CAN do.
The same adage is true for me, as well! As an example and to perhaps get you thinking, here are some "small strengths" I have learned about myself.......

-I make really good Rice Krispie treats. (Seriously, I do. They even earned a chunk of money at a silent auction once.....) They may be simple, easy, traditional, etc but the point is that I CAN make them well. Celebrating this means I can make something that I like, that turns out and that I can then share with those I know and love

-My memory. It does not apply to directions, tests, etc but it does apply to people. I am fortunate to remember details about people-names of their siblings, trips they've been on, favorite foods, etc. This allows to engage in conversations with people about things impt to them, indicates to them that I am interested in their life.

-Playing with children/teaching moments: behavior mgt is NOT my strength as a teacher. But one thing I can do well is have teaching moments with children. During lunch time we can discuss shape, color, texutre, etc of the food. If they are building with blocks, I am able to ask open-ended questions that further more discussion, rather than just "yes" or "no"

What are some strengths you have discovered about yourself????

Have a Strategy in Place

2011-03-02T10:57:00.000-08:00

So.... it's been awhile since I updated this blog. Sorry about that. But it is a new month, with new goals and new energy!

Lately I have learned the impt of having a strategy in place for when life is frustrating, overwhelming, disappointing, etc. Something that when I think to myself, "What am I going to do now to regroup, get through this, etc," I can have an answer!

Obviously each individual needs to find their own but there are some that have worked for me
-a long walk or run
-reading a book that I enjoy, nothing too intense
-spending time with my nieces and nephews
-talking wtih a good friend

I feel the importance is not so much "what" the strategy is but just that it really is "in place" It saves me time and energy from thinking, "What am I going to do now????" when I can act. And the more time I spend utilizing those strategies, the more natural they come and they more successful they are for me.

What strategies have been successful for you in the more challenging times in life??? I would love to hear your ideas!!!

Enjoy the Ride

2011-02-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

When I recollect on the advice I've gotten over the years from friends, families, associates, dr's, etc one of the most common has been "Enjoy the Ride!" At least for me, MUCH easier than done. But I gained some recent insight that adage recently.....

Ups and downs in life WILL happen. First of all, I can't keep them from coming. I can't "brace myself" for "what may come" and my best actions cannot prevent the downs from coming/happening. Ultimately, life will happen, I don't need to "help it along!!!!" By worrying or trying to avoid.

Second, good things WILL also happen without my intense planning/anticipating. I can't control everything I want to have happen nor do I need to!!!! Life can surprise you. Pleasantly.

So for now, I try to "relax and enjoy the ride"! And if I had a dollar for everytime I said that to myself during the day, I could really bring in the dough! But everytime I say it to myself, it gets a little easier as well........

A Small Change

2011-01-26T19:37:00.000-08:00

I believe that in living with a brain injury, self-awareness is a crucial factor in success, growth, well-being, etc. Recently I became aware of a small change I needed to make in my own life. The opponent: the television. It wasn't as though I was a couch potato 24/7, with a full-time job, physically and socially active. And though I did watch a fair amount, my main concern was "when" I was choosing to veg out and watch tv.

I noticed it especially occuring when I was stressed and/or anxious, as a way to "pass the time" until I could go to bed, the moment passed, etc. I also noticed I especially watched when I wasn't sure what else to do with my time. Sort of like my brain (and I) didn't want to go through the process of "what should I do now?"

I am by no means trying to axe television watching. There have been many times when the vegging out with a shoe has been a useful strategy for me. But I was curious to see if I could reduce the amount of tv time. Truthfully, I wasn't sure if I could! But I set out with just one goal: before I sat down to watch tv, take a couple of minutes and figure out if there was something else I needed/wanted to do instead. To help me with this goal I made sure I had cookbooks with new recipes (to occupy my time cooking) new books from the library, and a couple of other activities.

It took some time but I did begin to see results! I noticed that making the change wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I noticed that I could manage activities, phases, etc without having the tv on. (ie when I was cooking dinner) I found my motivation to watch tv decreased and I didn't feel the "buzz" in my head/body after I knew I'd had a noise/stimulation overdose. I found more things I enjoyed doing or needed to get done. Also, I found that since tv wasn't an automatic time filler, the times when I did watch tv, I enjoyed it so much more!

Any small change success stories you would like to share? Strategies, ideas that helped you???

Breaks-An additonal example

2011-01-23T15:46:00.000-08:00

To follow-up on the last blog post ("needing and taking breaks") here is additional example. From Christmas 3 or so years ago, events recalled to the best of my ability.... I love this example because I think it illustrates so well the "need" to communicate and the benefits of doing so!

It had been a good Christmas day. It was just me and my parents, my siblings were all with their own families or in-laws. We opened gifts, then took lots of gifts to the family we'd "sponsored" for Christmas. Had fun delivering gifts, visiting with them, and playing with the kids. Then onto Grandpa's house for Mom and Dad to deliver and install the new tv they'd gotten him for Christmas. I think I fell asleep on the floor for a few minutes until my Dad woke me up to ask me if the ice skater on tv was Michelle Kwan. (That part I DO remember)

We headed back home, late afternoon, delivering a few last minute neighbor gifts and I was hoping for some "alone time" to read the new book I'd gotten that morning. So when my Mom got a call that my brother and family were coming over to visit I was a bit disappointed..... I loved spending time with them but it had just been a busy, emotional day and I was done for a while. And in my mind, with people coming over, there were "behavior expectations" Which I didn't think sitting in your room alone aligned with....

I got pretty quiet in the car and somehow it came that it wasn't that I didn't want them to come over, I just needed a break! And once that was out, that was it. My mom understood and I wasn't keeping it inside. I don't think I spent more than 20 minutes or so alone in my room, reading, but I did get a break. And because of the communication there was little if any misunderstanding. My mom knew that I wanted to be alone because I needed a break, not because I was upset, depressed, otherwise distressed. I knew that i had as much time as I needed to regroup without having to "hurry" and rejoin the gathering.

Needing/Getting a Break

2011-01-18T16:30:00.000-08:00

For me, one of the effects of living with a brain injury is that I am more easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. As such I like to, need to take breaks. (the rationale for taking breaks varies) More importantly, I like to know "when" the break is coming. Sometimes I get anxious if I don't when there will be a "break," an "out," etc.

The situations vary. For example, in the middle of the workday, I can excuse myself to get a drink, a bathroom break, but I can't just say, "I'm done now,"and leave my assistant and students to fend for themselves. I understand that those kind of situations are just part of life! And I need to adapt to it the best I can.

But there are times when a break is an option, and I have learned some strategies that have made that break transition easier. I'll use the example of spending the holidays at home with my parents (their home, not mine). Since it is a break from my work, my main goal tends to be relaxation. Sleep in, read, chill, watch tv, etc. However, sometimes my Mom (or my Dad) needs my help with things around the house or other to-do holiday tasks. And that's OK! I like to help. But I also like to know about breaks, what the schedule for the day will roughly look like.

And so, I ask. I ask my Mom what she thinks she might need my help with that day and when she thinks she might need it. I tell her the things I want to get done that day and so we can work it out for both of us. I'm more relaxed, I feel like I know more about what I am getting into and I know what I have to look forward to. I also know that it's less likely that I will have just fallen asleep and suddenly something else comes up.

Again, this does not apply to all scenarios in life. But I have found that when there is some flexibility, asking can go a long way!

Your thoughts????

Behavior Expectations

2011-01-17T11:25:00.000-08:00

The day I went back to work after the Holiday break I was giving myself a pep talk-that my student would be wound up, might forget what to do, etc. Basically that it would be a rough couple of days but get through it. Well, I was pleasantly surprised that I had a great week with my preschoolers-and I believe I know a big part of the reason why!

I took a lot of time those first few days to teach and reteach behavior expectations. To remind them how we sit at the "circle" how we walk down the halls with hands to ourselves (more or less) I told them, I modeled, we practiced, etc. Pictures/photos are also an effective teaching tool! I was reminded that children want to do what's expected of them, the key is do they know and understand what is expected of them??? And equally impt, can they perform that behavior?

As a child, I remember going on outings such as plays, concerts, etc and afterwards asking my Mom, "Was I good? Was I good????" I wanted very much to achieve "being good" and wanted to know what "good" looked like and acted like.

As an adult I can still find myself wanting to perform the desired behavior. One of the biggest challenges for me is when the expectations are much looser! I know that might not make sense, isn't it easier when there's less expectations? But in my case, there's less of a guide to follow. And for many years, even now at times, behavior expectations/being good has kind of been "my thing," what I relied on to be OK, to do a good job. Now I have to rely on myself to determine what I want, what's impt to me, and then try to mesh it with the expectations that are present, limited or not.

And as I further learn and explore this idea, one day at a time.....
Have you experienced similar feelings? What was your experience like? Your questions and comments are welcome!

Not Everyone Thinks Like I Do!!!!

2011-01-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

I think the title of this post says it all, but..... no matter how many times I learn this, and then re-learn and remember this statement, it is worth it! Remembering can bring a sense of calm and perspective. It can help you to pause and think things through. Perhaps, most importantly, it can help prevent you (or at least me!) from saying things or taking actions that you may later on wish you'd done differently.

I believe this is harder for someone with a brain injury. The logic of my opinion is that it is simply harder to think abstractly, to consider options, etc. My brain can think quite well on a one-way street, in a black and white world! Going beyond that is not necessarily easy! Even though the world and people in it and are not full of black and white, and one-way streets.

But I am recommitting myself to remembering that.... Not Everyone Thinks Like I Do!!!!!

A Lot Like You and Me

2011-01-14T06:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog Readers,

Here is some more (generic) information about me....

Favorite TV shows: CSI:NY, The Biggest Loser, Man vs Food, Chopped (from the food network)

Favorite Foods: I dont' really have a favorite but I will eat anything except for radishes, beets, grapefruit, green olives. For real.

Favorite Movies: I love black and white classics (the philadelphia story) and movies based on real life (remember the titans)

Things I like to do: exercise, cook, read, hike, blog, take naps, karaoke parties with my friends, shopping on a bargain (I'm all about the clearance racks, people!).

I like to wear: high heels, jewelry, carry a bright colored purse, but love my sweats and sneakers equally as much! I also like to walk around my house wrapped up in a blanket (don't know why)

My personality is: more quirky than polished, and that's OK. I love laughing and making people laugh with spontaneous one-liners. The more I know you, the funnier/relaxed I am.

My family: is LARGE. I'm the youngest of several sibling and have 4x as many nieces and nephews. It has its ups and downs but being an aunt so many times over brings me a lot of joy.

I am: sometimes impatient with life-I tend to take action faster than I need to instead of letting things play out. Caring about other people and try to remember things that are impt to them. I am incredibly determined-I love exceeding expectations and proving people wrong.

I am learning: To give myself more "quiet time" and my own best friend and advocate. To trust myself.

I get concerned with: money/bills, maintaining relationships, having people like me, having a balanced life.

I hope for: improve on my 1/2 marathon time, to buy my first car, write a book based on my blog, get married and have my own children.

The point of this blog was not just an excuse to talk about myself, but rather to make a point. That those with a brain injury, in many cases are a lot like you and me. Having similar likes and dislikes, having hopes and dreams and frustrations. So if you have sustained a brain injury like me, perhaps reading this can help you find something we have in common. Or for a parent reading this maybe this will provide some insight into simply living with a brain injury.

Enjoy! Thoughts, comments, questions, etc are welcome and encouraged! I really do see this blog as an "open book" so please feel free to ask questions or leave comments!

Slow and Steady

2011-01-06T19:06:00.000-08:00

Last month, I participated in my 3rd annual sightseeing roadtrip and 10k race. My goal for the race was 54 minutes, besting my PR of 58:05 (though I was very happy with my end time of 57 minutes). A couple of friends came along for the trip, one of them just having completed amazing weight loss and had just participated in her first race a 5k, a week prior. Whereas I have been running for going on 3 years and this was my 6th 10k. (It's my ego coming out.....)

I was thrilled for her success with a time of 1:04:7, but I admit I was surprised, particularly when she said she hadn't needed to stop the whole race. (I didn't stop much, but I did stop occassionally) Intrigued by her success, I asked her how she did it. "Slow and steady," was her response.

A couple weeks later, I decided I wanted to do my 2nd 1/2 marathon in April and really train/prepare for it this time. The first step: practice running slower. It seems kind of counterproductive for race training. After all the goal isn't usually to see how slow you can finish! I had to force myself to maintain a slow pace, but the more I stuck with it, I discovered some things. I felt a lot better running slower, I could run for much longer without needing to stop and most importantly, I was having more fun doing it!!!!

How does this apply to life? All brain injuy effects are not equal, but a definite side effect for me is that I tend to have a habit of "barreling through life" not taking enough time to slow down, stop, think, and most importantly appreciate where I am instead of just thinking, "what's next???" As I discovered with running, the more I slow down in life, my choices and emotions are steadier and there is more fun to be had!

Perhaps the most important point is that I have gone from gunning for a 10 minute mile to embracing a 12 minute mile. And I am completely OK with that.
Think about it......

Consequences of Clutter

2011-01-04T18:36:00.000-08:00

Clutter is one of the fastest things to overwhelm me, throw me off, etc. Not that I can't function in clutter, but it throws me off, distracts me and makes it harder to focus on what I need to be doing..... For real. Clutter can come in different forms, too much "stuff" in a given place, like a closet, clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink, stacks of papers, etc.

Here's a few tips I have found to deal with the "consequences of clutter"
-Keep the closet door closed. I have a large walk in closet and though it stays organized (for the most part) it's full of "stuff" I have found that if I keep the door closed unless I need to go in the closet, it helps!
-Give things away- to friends, family, charities, thrift stores, etc. Purging items is helpful, but I feel better about giving it away if I know it's helping to fullfill a need

-Clean up my apt before I go to bed. Put away random items in the living room, load the dishwasher, fold clothes from the dryer, hang up clothes I wore that day, etc. It may sound like a lot, but I find that if I just get in and get it done, it's worth it and it gets done fast! I sleep better knowing that it's done, and then I wake up more relaxed in the morning without thinking/seeing what I need to do before I leave for work.
-Make things easy to put away. Cleaning up after myself is half the battle! But the easier it is to put it away, the more likely I am to do it, the better I feel!

-Think before I buy. Plan and buy only groceries I need (too much food makes me feel overwhelmed and somewhat anxious-using it up before it goes bad) Think what "pleasure" items I buy (books, clothes, shoes, etc) and do I have space for it? For example, if there's not room for another pair of shoes on my shoe rack, I need to consider donating a pair to charity.

Your thoughts? What has helped YOU to control the clutter? Has it been a challenge for you, as well? Your thoughts are welcome and encouraged!!!!

It's All Right to Cry

2010-12-29T07:54:00.000-08:00

The lyrics to one of my favorite songs from "Sesame St"
"It's all right to cry,
Crying gets the sad out of you.
It's all right to cry,
It might make you feel better."

I have recently learned through work trainings, books, life experience, etc that as a culture, crying isn't necessarily "welcome," particularly with small children. That the goal tends to be "stop crying." Granted if the child is crying so hard that he or she can't breathe, redirection is likely encouraged! If not, it's all right to cry!!!!

However, I'm learning a new direction other than getting the child to "stop crying." I'm learning to encourage crying, or at least understand why they are crying! Sometimes the reason for crying can surprise you..... A couple of examples.

A child in my class had a hard morning-waiting for turn with a toy he desperately wanted, falling down outside, etc. So when it came time for lunch, and he was waiting in line for his colored lunch tray, he didn't get the color he wanted, the tears started to come. I knew that he didn't care that much about the color tray he got, it was just one more disappointment. I took him out in the hallway, gave him a hug and simply said, "You've had a hard day, haven't you?" We talked for just a minute or two, then he was ready to go back to lunch get his tray, eat lunch, etc.

A young girl fell down outside and scraped her hand. Truthfully, the scrape was very minor from a factual standpoint. From an emotional standpoint though, the scrape was a lot worse. She begged for a bandaid yet every time I got near her hand with a bandaid, she'd cry and scream. I suggested she close her eyes, she said, "No, because I'll still feel it!!!!" I gently embraced her, told her I knew she was scared, that she thought it would hurt, and especially that it was Ok to be scared. That she didn't need to have a bandaid. Feeling understood she stopped crying a couple minutes later, and let me put the bandaid on. I asked her, "Do you want to cry some more? It's OK, if you need to." She smiled, said no, and went off to play.

In conclusion, it's all right to cry! It's all right to encourage crying. Remember that the cause for tears may often be just the tip of frustrations that can seem huge to a child. Acknowledge how they feel.
These tips work for adults as well!!!!

Brighter In the Morning

2010-12-19T18:14:00.000-08:00

"Things will seem brighter in the morning." I don't know/remember when I first heard/read this statement, and it doesn't really matter. But.....in the midst of some of the most (till now-hence the absence of blogging) "challenging" times in my life I find myself repeating this to myself more and more. Reminding myself that it's usually not worth distressing about/trying to solve until morning because SO much of the time, things truly do seem, "Brighter in the Morning."

My Advice to Another with a Brain Injury

2010-11-20T10:20:00.000-08:00

The other day as I was walking to work, I was thinking, "If were to meet another person with a brain injury and on the off-chance that they asked me for advice/what had helped me the most, what would I tell them?" I came up with 3 things, and actually, they all complement each other.

#1: Get a good night sleep, consistently. Granted, this is generally NOT easy for someone with a brain injury to accomplish, but when it can be done it pays enormous dividends! On days when I didn't sleep well, I wake up tired, and somewhat slump through the day thinking, "How soon can I go to bed tonight?' Days when I did sleep well, I'm happier and I get more done.

#2: Get regular exercise/physical activity. Regular exercise benefits my physical and mental health and well-being. I look better, I have mor energy, I'm happier with how I look. I'm less stressed and frustrated when I can release my emotions through exercise. Most importantly, I sleep SO much better on nights when I exercised during the day. I sleep deeper and longer.

#3: Being grateful especially for the small things in life. On my other blog, I started doing a post every day of things I was grateful for that day and it has made a huge difference for me. There are parts of life that I may wish were different, less challenging, etc but when I look back on all the good from that day, I find myself thinking, "How can I be upset with so much good in my life?"

How to do these things- as I don't believe any of them are easy to do.......
1-develop a sleep routine that works for you and stick to it. Get exercise/activity during the day
2-Find some exercise/activity that you enjoy doing. On days when life is full, make it a game to see how much time you can make for exercise that day. Save a favorite show/song to watch/listen to while you exercise.
3-Make/keep a list of all that you are grateful for so you don't forget! Look for the good. If you look for it, you'll find it!

Rembering the Good Things- A Useful Strategy

2010-11-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

When my emotions have been up and down, (as they have been of late) repeatedly a strategy has been of use to me. Remembering the good things/things I am grateful for and then making a record of it. For me, it has been very important to have a record of it because otherwise I forget, and when there IS a record, I can look back on it/read it during the more trying times. It can be recorded in a notebook, journal, blog, camera/picture, etc. Whatever is easiest for you.

It has also been helpful because it helps me put things in perspective- was one event, disagreement, awkward moment, etc really as important with all the other good things going on around it? It reminds me to let stuff go and look at the bigger picture (NOTE: that is not to say that I have mastered the art of "letting go" of things. I haven't. But it helps!)

It also makes me appreciate the small things that much more. The other night I had dinner at my parents house and my Mom made cheese quesadillas for dinner (I helped). It was good but after writing it down, remembering how I felt being with my family, how good the food was, I appreciated it that much more!

This is not just a strategy for the sunny days, but for ANY day, challenging or not. On the days when I want to quit, scream, etc. I try to make being grateful into a "game" How many things can I find to be grateful for today- often I can find a lot, if I choose to look for it!

Not to make light of life's heartbreaks, challenges, disappointments, etc. Trust me. I have been there. But while we can't choose everything in life, we can choose how we feel. And choosing to feel grateful and appreciative has helped me a LOT.

Live. Laugh. Love. Learn. And then make a record of it!

Questions and Answers

2010-11-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

Here's a sampling of questions I have been asked over the years regarding my brain injury....

Why were you not diagnosed until you 21?

As has been previously mentioned, the brain injury occurred between 0-2 years of age, the diagnosis not until age 21. There are two main reasons for that (1)Brain injury/special education was not as recognized/respected as it is today. My Mom took me to the dr many times between 0-5 yrs but there was always an explanation for my behavior. I was the baby of the family, I was just shy, I would catch up, etc. (2) I didn't want "help" My parents got me involved in resource classes, math tutors, speech therapy, etc. but I fought all of it. I already struggled socially and didn't want to feel "different" any more than I already did and I didn't want to be "fixed". When I did finally find a dr and treatment center (Dr Nilsson at the Neurodevelopment Center) I felt ready because I was older and more mature but also because I felt the focus was on the "Claire the person" and not on "fixing Claire."

What was your reaction to the diagnosis?

My initial reaction was RELIEF!!! I had been carrying around a LOT of guilt for many years. Since I didn't know the "logic" for my behavior, I assumed that if I just tried harder I wouldn't have challenges and so the challenges were mainly because I just wasn't trying hard enough. Not true. My 2nd thought was that if I had made it 21 years with this challenge, I wanted to use my experiences to help other people- the main reason why I pursued special education.

Do you wish you had been diagnosed sooner?

Honestly, yes. Particularly regarding high school and beginning college experiences I wish I had known more then about how to get along in social setting and just developing basic life skills. BUT because I didn't know I had challenges, I thought I could do anything! And the good things that have happened because of it far outweigh "what might have been" So I don't dwell on it, I just try to celebrate what I do know.

What has been the most challenging and the most helpful?

The most challenging has been dealing with "neurogenic irritability"- having difficulty controlling my emotions at times, having a lower threshold for stress and anxiety, and ultimately the ways that these have effected my life. The most helpful medically wise has been sessions of Neurofeedback that have retrained my brain waves and ultimately helped to function more smoothly. The biggest help emotionally/people wise: People who genuinely have listened to me when I share my challenges and triumphs and tried to understand the "logic" of my behavior.

If there are any more questions you would like to ask me- please feel free to leave them in the comments section! Your feedback helps to improve the blog. Thanks!!!

Laughing at Myself

2010-11-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Recently I relearned the importance of being able to laugh at oneself. I am by no means an expert at this- I have habits of getting embarrassed to easily and then holdig on to it longer than is necessary. BUT the times when I can laugh at myself, I feel more spring in my step, I smile more because I have something funny to laugh about and it gives me new eyes/perspective for a situation.

As an example of something to laugh about it, here is one of recent "adventures"..... Enjoy a good laugh at my expense, I don't mind!!!

THIS is Why I don't make Jello
I have made jello approximately 3 times in the past 10 years. So when I recently signed up to bring a jello salad to a church function, I tried to seek out info from more experienced jello makers. But I couldn't reach my Mom or sisters to ask for advice. I had to go it alone.

All went pretty well until the 2 minute boiling period when the ruby red liquid spilled onto the burner and stovetop. (My mom told me later that she doesn't let it keep boiling, she just takes it off the stove and stirs. And well..... now I know....) However the boiling water/jello mix caused smoke which caused the smoke alarm to go off for the first time. Yes, the first time.

I did get the jello poured in the dripper pan but not without spilling more on the white countertops. I put in the fridge and busied myself with other tasks when the fire alarm went off. Again. I thought, "What the.....?" Then I turned around and saw 4-5 inch flames shooting from the stovetop burner.
I had forgotten to turn off the burner so the spilled liquid had dried in lumps and were now flaming. Nice. I poured baking soda and put out the fire. (Turns out baking soda really does work to put out a fire!) Opened doors, windows and turned on fans. Still have not cleaned off the burner because of the intense mess that I made. Maybe if I stall long enough it'll clean itself???

Was this my finest hour? Not necessarily, but it has quickly become a favorite story about myself because as embarrassing as it may be, WHO makes jello and consecutively starts a fire??? So even though laughing at yourself may not come naturally, do it anyway. It pays off!!!
What recent life adventures can YOU find to laugh about?

To Fear- or Not to Fear???

2010-10-31T09:53:00.000-07:00

In preparing these blog posts, I often go back through past journal entries and e-mails. In this case, I came upon a conversation I had with the day after I had lost my job. At this point, I was halfway through to getting my teaching license. But I thought that if I had lost a teaching job again, maybe it would be best if I just called it quits! Anyway, the recounting as follows:

"Today I was talking with "Elizabeth" and I told her that I was thinking of quitting the licensure program. She asked, 'WHY- when you are already halfway through?!?!' The only reason I could give her was 'Because I'm scared' And is fear really a good enough reason???" (Thanks, Elizabeth for such a simple, yet clear question!)

Goals and dreams are not identical for anyone who has sustained a brain injury,or for people in general. And that's a good thing. If we all had similar circumstances and dreams life would be a lot more dull! But I believe the idea "is fear really a good enough reason?" Can be applied to all in a variety of situations. Besides, who wants to live with the thought of "what if, what if I had tried?"

Something to think about.

A Lesson in Feedback

2010-10-27T04:42:00.000-07:00

Shortly after I lost my job I learned a valuable lesson about feedback. In discussing the events with a good friend, the question was posed, "Did you get feedback?" I was somewhat defensive in my response of, "Well, of course I did! And I did, to a degree. I had asked questions of my supervisor when I didn't think things had gone well. Questions such as, "I don't think that went well. What do you think? What should I fix?" However, it's not enough just to get feedback, you also need to SEEK feedback. Seek feedback by asking questions such as, "Where do you think I could improve? What would you like me to work on?" In essence, find trouble before trouble finds you! I'm not saying that this kind of feedback is easy to seek or to accept. But the value of having that kind of feedback, for me, cannot be overstated!

Seeking feedback also means getting help. When I started my current job, I set my expectations too high and wanted to do everything perfectly. Not possible! Because my expectations were so high, I rarely asked for help, assuming that I should have been able to figure it out on my own and I was afraid to admit my shortcomings. However, since I never asked for help, I never improved and nearly quit my job! Thankfully, as I was exploring my options, my employers wanted to see me be successful and succeed so they allowed me to work alongside an experienced teacher for the rest of the school year, so I could learn what it was I was supposed to be doing! This was a move that I will always be grateful for, one that perpetuated further success.....

Dreams Come True- A Lesson in Resilience

2010-10-24T19:28:00.000-07:00

So, to pick up where the last blog left off..... Although I had a BS degree, I had no teaching license, making it very difficult to get a decent paying job. So I ended up going back to school for my license. I never planned to go back to school, I was motivated mostly out of necessity...... I also needed a job to pay for school so I was fortunate to find a job as an aide in special education classroom working with students grades 4-6. I enjoyed it and ultimately learned a lot, but my skills were not where they needed to be by the end of the year and I learned that the school would not be renewing my contract.

Much like with student teaching, this was an unexpected blow to me. It felt like I had "failed" again, (wasn't one time enough?) and I wanted to quit. It did not seem fair at all that I was making a new start again. I had a sense of depression that I had not known before; where I didn't really care about eating, my friends, doing things I enjoyed. I wanted to care about those things, I just couldn't quite do it. Nighttime was the hardest because I felt like, "Well, I made it through this day but when I go to bed then tomorrow begins and then what????"

There were things that helped,though. I got encouragement from a good friend to get some exercise and though exercise was the last thing I wanted to do at the time (seriously) eventually I saw logic and a long walk really did help! Babysitting my sister's 2 children was also effective because it gave me something to do, a need to fill, and something that I really wanted to do.

Coincidentally, the same day I lost my job I ran into a friend who informed that they were hiring at her work, an education setting different from a public school setting. Again, a step in resiliency was needed. A public school setting had been my "dream" but dreams change, and ultimately this one was for the best! This was the setting where I am currently employed but that one almost didn't pan out either.... Thankfully, I learned some important lessons along the way that I am still applying today!

Dreams Come True- A Lesson in Gratitude

2010-10-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

Dream #2- Being a Teacher

I don't know that I'd ever considered another profession other than teaching. Nothing else quite made as much sense to me even when I was young.

There was an interesting road that led up to my acceptance into the education program for my B.S. degree and subsequently to the student teaching semester. (More about that another time.) But finally the semester arrived. I had lots of nerves about student teaching but I also felt I'd had a successful pre-student teaching semester and there was a lot I was excited about. Especially having been a child with disabilities I wanted SO much to use my experiences to help other children.

About 2 weeks or so into the program I was informed that the program had "concerns" about me and didn't know if I could/would pass student teaching. This was a shock to my system and so began what felt like a living nightmare; trying to do the day-to-day requirements and at the same time trying to "save" my teaching career. It wasn't for lack of trying or necessarily lack of skill. But the brain injury was a factor. In a classroom of approx 25 students on my own it was very hard for me to stay focused and not get overwhelmed and "shut down." And there was only so much I could do to offset the consequences of the brain injury.

I rarely slept more than 5 hrs a night even with sleep aids and I was so distressed that I greeted each new day by throwing up. Lovely. 3 weeks later when I was informed that I was failing student teaching and it was reccomended that I leave the program; it was a relief to be done with student teaching!

However, while I was relieved to be done with teaching and I did have a back-up plan (I already had plans to teach English abroad for a year) there was still a feeling like the bottom had fallen out from under me, like my promise for the future was gone. I would still get my BS degree but no teaching licensce, which is crucial to get a good teaching job!

When I think about a lesson from this experience, what comes to mind foremost is gratitude. Despite a huge bump in the road I still had much to be grateful for! Even if I didnt' fully know it at the time! I now had more time during my last semester at school. I had more time to spend with my Grandma and finish writing her life history. (Coincidentally she passed away while I was teaching abroad). I had more time to spend with my family and friends. Throughout the whole semester, my rommmates were fantastic, consistently supporting me with and without my asking. My previous campus job took me back immediately so I had something to occupy my time and wasn't financially distressed. I was free from the stress of student teaching!

Bumps in the road are inevitable. Bumps can be really painful! But I have found that being grateful while negotiating the bumps helps make the ride a little smoother and it helps you create good memories during an otherwise undesirable time you would not have chosen.

Today I do enjoy a teaching license and an enjoyable and successful teaching job. But before I could get to that point, I was let go from another teaching position, and then it nearly happened again. I wanted to quit many, many times and at times life seemed so unfair. But it's all good now! Stay tuned for how it got to this point......

Dreams Come True- A Lesson in Taking Risks

2010-10-23T06:21:00.000-07:00

I believe that dreams are universal to human nature. The act of dreaming, planning, growing, achieving, etc. can be soothing and rewarding to the soul.

I've had dreams of my own, as well. Here is a sampling of those from my teenage/young adult years.

-Play on the school basketball team/do something athletically coordinated

-Have a group of friends

-Be a Teacher

-Get a 4.0

I decided to break up this blog idea into 4 posts, one for each dream, and a lesson to go along with it. Here is the first one.....

In middle school I really wanted to get into sports like my peers. I was tired of being the last kid chosen for teams, tired of getting "special help" when I couldn't do the skills. I wanted to feel really "good" at something athletically coordinated. I also struggled socially and REALLY wanted to be part of a team, thinking that would help me to fit in. The sport I chose was basketball and I planned to try out for the middle school team. For weeks I practiced with my brother- running, passing, dribbling, shooting. I got basketball shoes and the right clothes. But when the tryouts came I didn't even make it past the first day. Perhaps it had something to do with not being able to make a free throw..... I still liked to play, and I did, off and on, but basically put it aside.

Fast forward about 13 years. I had been doing a lot of walking, exercising, a few 5k races. But mostly just walking. I was set against running. Then some of my friends were going on an in-state road trip to see the sights and do a 10k (6.2 miles) race. I had never done a 10k before, was not necessarily prepareed for one (and I am by no means advocating running a race with little preparation) but I really wanted to go with my friends! So I took the risk.

And after my first race didn't kill me, I was hooked and I've been running ever since. I've done a half-marathon (plan to do more) and several 10k races. I've learned, I've grown, I've triumphed, I've improved my running. But if I never took the risk of running that race in the first place I would have missed all that! I also have several friends that I run with and so that fills the need for a "team" sport.

Am I fantastic runner? Not necessarily but I am very proud of my 10k time of 58:05! I don't focus on beating anyone but myself so even if I think I may come in towards the end I take the risk and do it anyway! My next risk is doing a relay race- doing 4 legs of race, each leg could be 4+ miles. I can't wait!

Next time you are considering a dream, don't let the risks weigh you down. (This advice is for me as well!) The old saying is true; "You never know unless you try!" It may not pan out in the beginning as was the case with my basketball dream, but keep trying and stay open to the opportunities regardless of the risks. You never know what could happen!

What are some of YOUR dreams and risks/successes? I would love to hear about them! You can leave anonymous comments if you want to, and as always you are welcome to ask any questions, offer feedback, etc. Thanks!

There's Tomatoes in Ketchup?!?!

2010-10-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

One night when I was about 9, and my sister, 12, we decided to beat our boredom with a game. We took random bottles and jars out of the pantry and quizzed each other on "Guess the Ingredients!" Quite a clever game I think......

I did pretty well until I had to guess the ingredients for ketchup. I got all the ingredients except one. Tomatoes. I had no idea that tomatoes were the main ingredient in ketchup!

Why am I telling you a story about my childhood? For me, it illustrates how my brain functions in various situations- trying to put it all together, make sense of it but often missing the "main point/ingredient." Here are a couple of examples

School assignments/tests: I poured lots of time and energy into studying and doing homework, but I rarely got above a "B" It was very hard for me to grasp the main point of the assignment/what the teacher was looking for OR I could quote definitions/examples for a textbook, but had no idea how they fit into the main ideas for a test.
Another example- When there was/is a lot to do, it's harder to priortize. To determine the "main ingredient" that needs to be done first, is most important, etc.

Thankfully, there are strategies available to better find the main point/ingredient, etc. Here's some that have worked for me.
School: when possible, turn my asssignments in early for feedback to see what points I am missing, what gaps I need to fill in. When preparing for tests, specifically ask the teacher, "why is this important? How does this fit with the main goal?" Not all teachers have been receptive to this, but many have!
For prioritizing: I put everything to do into the electronic calendar on my phone (just a regular cell phone), often a day before it's due. I check it every morning for what needs to be done and see what I can get done that day. Plus, there's alarms that go off if I forget what needs to be done.

What strategies have worked for you? I welcome any feedback, questions, comments, etc. This is a topic I'm VERY open to discussing, so no need to be hesitant about asking me questions!

Learn by Doing, Not Just by Observing

2010-10-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

Recently I had an overnight trip with friends to a relative's cabin. For breakfast the next morning, we made french toast and I shared the following story. It's good for a laugh, but also, I believe a classic example of "how to" teach/guide a child who has sustained a brain injury.

Until I was 18, I did not know that french toast came from bread! I don't know exactly what I thought, I guess in my mind once the batter hit the frying pan, it magically became the same size and thickness as a slice of bread!

One Saturday morning, my Dad thought it would be a good idea if I made the French Toast and give my mom a break. I agreed walked up to the counter and stared at the batter, bread and fying pan. I kept staring until my Mom whispered to my Dad, "I don't think she knows how to do it!"

Truly, I didn't know what to do! And this why. While I had "observed" the making of french toast on, I'm sure multiple occasions, I had never actually done it. Because I had only watched and not interacted, the skill set had not sunk in. With any child, but especially a child with a brain injury, skills need to be taught. When the brain is injured, it does not make automatically make the connections, send the signals to the child that say," This is a time to learn how to do this. Watch what happens. Watch what this person is doing and try to remember."

So, next time you are working with, caring for a child with a brain injury (or really any child in general) and their skills seem "off" ask yourself if you have taught them, if they have done it, been hands on with it. Or if they have only observed. You'll be amazed at the difference!

No Space at the Playdoh Table-An Analogy in Anxiety

2010-10-07T04:01:00.000-07:00

One of the favorite activity areas in my classroom is the playdoh table, where children can squeeze, squish, roll and pinch the colored salt dough to their hearts content. However, to maintain control and reduce the amount of fighting and playdoh that ends up on the floor, only six children can be at the playdoh table at one time. When the chairs are full, they need to choose another place to play. To help them remember, there are six brightly colored letters affixed to the table, and six chairs adjacent to those letters. There is also a timer that is set and children are taught that when the timer goes off, it is time to go play in a new area.

Recently, a child was determined to play at the full table no matter what! He would drag a chair over from another table, plop down and go to town! I explained to him that there was space for 6 chairs, each child was in a chair, there was not space for another chair. I showed him the timer, showed him how it was moving closer to zero, and when it rang he would be able to play there. But until he heard the timer, he needed to choose another place to play.

I tried to get him reengaged in a variety of activities- reading books, painting, block building, etc. but the second I turned my back he was back at the table with his chair, ready to play. This was repeated multiple times during a 10 minute period. Such creativity and persistence!

How does this relate to anxiety? While he was so focused on the playdoh, he missed out on a lot of other fun opportunities during that 10 minute wait! Such can be the case with my anxiety-I get so focused on worrying about a situation that I miss out on a lot of other good things while just waiting for things to play out. Just as the timer for playdoh goes off and the situation changes, so it is with anxiety situations. I was trying to think about a situation where my anxiety benefited me- and I couldn't think of a single one!

Anxiety happens-it can't ever be completely avoided. But may we all remember the things we could be missing while we are worrying! And just waiting for the timer to go off.....

How I Go to Sleep

2010-10-04T04:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not the best sleeper in the world. I never have been. Difficulty sleeping is common for someone with a brain injury. The typical sleep pattern has been disrupted, The brain does not "self-calm" as a healthy brain would, so it's much more difficult to unwind before going to bed and go back to sleep if you wake up during the middle of the night.

For several months, I was pretty consistently taking 2 tylenol pm's a night. Not my best-ever decision. It wasn't so much that I couldn't fall asleep without them but that the act of going to sleep just seemed like so much "work" and I didn't feel like going through the hassle of it.

However, after much trial and error I have found a routine that works very well for me, allows me to fall asleep on my own without a sleep aid. Here it is:

-Get some form of exercise during the day whether it's running, walking, pilates, etc.

-Run the air conditioner or fan for an hour or so before I go to bed to cool down the bedroom

-Clean up my home (hang up clothes, load the dishwasher, etc. Nothing too big. It's tempting to say I'm too tired and I'll do it in the morning but there's rarely time in the morning! Plus, I'd rather wake up to cleanliness than to clutter and it's one less thing to do when I wake up)

-Write in my journal or make a list of all the things I'm grateful for that day

-Read a book or magazine in the chair by my bed

Finally,I don't get into bed until I'm ready to go sleep. This can be a challenging one. Sometimes I think, "But I have to bed, asleep, by this time to get this much sleep or else," however until I am good and ready to fall asleep, getting into bed has proved somewhat useless for me. I just try to ignore the time and enjoy the book or magazine I'm reading.

This is not foolproof, I still have nights where I sleep less than I would like, nights when I'm wide awake in the middle of the night. I keep a few benadryl on hand for sleep emergencies. But poor nights of sleep have become much less rare since I got into a routine. Find what routine works for you! What have you tried that has been beneficial for you? I would really like to know!

Coordination-Or Lack Thereof

2010-10-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can recall hand-eye coordination and myself have not been close friends. Coordination is a common challenge/symptom of one who has sustained a brain injury. There is a lot of brain processing required that requires time and is taxing on the brain. For example, think about trying to catch a football. You have to be aware of where the ball is, position yourself, make any necessary adjustments, all with a matter of seconds. The advice of "keep your eye on the ball!" Is just not advice to compensate for the neurological struggles. It's truly different from the typical human struggle of not being good at sports.

I try to take advantage of opportunities to participate in sports with my friends and I do enjoy, but overall, it's just not my thing! I don't know that I have ever bowled above a 75, I strike out at softball 98% of the time, miss free throws and drop footballs and frisbees. Not trying to be hard on myself, just makng an accurate observation here.

However, something that has been etched in my mind during the years of therapy and overall brain injury is this: there are always options! In my case, getting a group of friends together at the park with some balls is not really for me! But that doesn't mean that I abandon all forms of athleticism and socializing with my friends. I just try new things! And even better, I discover that I can do them well!

For example, I discovered that I love to run, something that requires much less coordination for me. It's allowed me to challenge myself to run the 5k, 10k, 1/2 marathon. To be able to complete 6.2 miles in just 58 minutes-something I am very proud of! And hiking has become an extension of running/walking, a new favorite. I discovered I can do a 17 mile hike in a matter of hours and still feel somewhat human afterwords! And doing those as a means of socialization? Simple. I have friends that I train with and we do races together, or there's a group friends planning a day hike.

The point of this post is not to seek sympathy for my lack of coordination or to get lauded for what skills I do posses. Rather the point is this, when living with a brain injury, don't let challenges trip you up from doing things you enjoy. A challenge doesn't mean that you need to abandon the endeavor, it just means you may need to find another option of doing it! And trust me, they are out there......

Accepting Feedback

2010-09-30T04:48:00.001-07:00

I had an interesting experience at work the other day-I teach school. This year I am at a new school. Last Friday, while conversing with my co-teacher, it came up that I had sustained a brain injury. Her response: "You should have told me- you make SO much more sense now!" While I would recommend a more tactful response than "You make SO much more sense now"
her point was valid. There had been behaviors she had noticed but because she did not know about the brain injury, she assumed that something was wrong, that I "couldn't handle the job." Noticed behaviors included: looking down while I was talking to someone, giving blank looks, getting lost in the school, worrying about things that didn't need consideration. Behaviors that make much more sense when a brain injury is factored in.

My initial response: I felt offended and somewhat exposed that something was wrong. I assumed that if someone had noticed these things about me I must not be functioning as well as I thought. I felt like my faults were being pointed out. I tried to find resolution but I spent much of the weekend stewing over it. In conversation with some close friends, they mentioned that the intent of the conversation was most likely not critical, but I didn't believe them.

I was somewhat apprehensive to going back to work on Monday, afraid that people would be "watching" me, that I would have to work extra hard to prove that I could do the job. As it turns out, it was one of my best work days! I came to be grateful for that feedback, believing that it wasn't intended as critical, and realize that it was actually good and accurate feedback. For example, I felt I could converse better when I remembered not to look down and the day was more enjoyable when I would ask myself, "Do I really need to be concerned with this?" and then acting appropriately.

Feedback can be unexpected, painful, truthful, etc. However, if we move past the offense towards the possibilities, it can be very beneficial! Now it's your turn to respond: How would you feel if you were in my shoes? How would you have responded?

Learning Experiences

2010-09-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

It's been said to me before that "mistakes are not mistakes. They are learning experiences. The only mistake is if you don't learn from it." I believed in that but couldn't quite put it into practice. I would think "Well, now I know for next time," but it was more of a passing thought.

Also, along with a brain injury comes higher levels of anxiety, perfectionism, guilt, etc. So when there were learning experiences, it was/is harder to separate from all the emotions and just learn and move ahead.

But yesterday, something clicked for me. I recently had a rather..... large..... learning experience, one of those that I was responsible for, consequence of my choices, etc. I had been having a really hard time moving past it, I could have avoided it-why didn't I, etc. Then I realized- without learning experiences, where would be the motivation to change? To ultimately become better and happier? So now because I do know, I can change. And more than just a passing thought.

Here's to learning experiences!!!!!

Conversation Continued....

2010-09-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

I had a few additional thoughts about the way I communicate, or how many/most individuals with a brain injury communicate.

-A need to say what is on your mind, even if it may not relate to the current conversation topic. When I have a spontaneous conversation topic, I try to remind myself to inform my conversation partner where that train of thought came from.

-A habit of saying what is on your mind at the first opportunity. This typically occurs when beginning a phone call. It can be tempting to skip the "how are you" part and just launch into the message, the purpose of why you called. I suppose that's why I'm a fan of texting-I can just give the message. The motivation for such communication is not trying to be rude or impatient, but someone with a brain injury has a very difficult time "putting thoughts aside." Rather, conversing or delivering a message can be like a goal to be accomplished.

-Sometimes endng a conversation can also be difficult because the ending is not always the same. Is it a long or a short phone call? Should you be the first one to hang up or not? How do you negotiate the social situation?
Thankfully conversation skills can be improved! Through trial and error, seeking feedback, etc.

Like Talking to a Roller Coaster

2010-09-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am not the world's most gifted conversationalist. I have lots of valuable things to say (or at least I believe so), it's the give-and-take, attention, parts of the conversation that are a problem for me. The best analogy I can come up with is that talking to me can be like talking to a roller coaster!

For example, I tend to change topics at random, like how a car can jump from one roller coaster track to the other. Sometimes I forget that my friends can't read my mind and know what I'm thinking about when I suddenly bring up a new topic or return to the old one. Or when a friend/family member makes a comment, I hear them, but instead of responding, I give a comment that's related to what's on my mind at the time. Making eye contact is also very challenging for anyone with a brain injury- eye contact can be intimidating and/or just plain hard to stay that focused for an amount of time.

Having a conversation is especially challenging over the telephone because I can't see the other person's facial/body cues to know when they are done speaking. I tend to interrupt, not because I don't care or I'm trying to be rude but because there's less guide to know when it's OK for me to take a turn to talk. As a final example, I tend to forget that it's hard for people to follow me when I'm not paying attention. As a result, I tend to talk to my feet while I'm tying my shoes or inside my purse while I'm looking for something. Kind of like going through a dark tunnel on a rollercoaster.

Thankfully my conversation skills have improved over time. I have self-trained myself to be more aware of my conversation skills. For example, whenever someone tells me something, I count (to myself) to wait for a time to speak and make a comment to acknowledge that I am listening to what they are saying, that it is important to me. Waiting before my roller coaster car jumps tracks.

While I am by no means trying to condone poor conversation skills, keep in mind that they are very hard for hard for someone with a brain injury! Reading non-verbal cues, staying focused, keeping eye contact are not easy. So,when you are in the position of having a conversation with such a person- be kind, be patient. Rather than criticizing help them, guide them in improving their skills.

Rigid Rule Follower

2010-08-29T07:14:00.000-07:00

I am rigid rule follower! (Though much less rigid then I used to be) One of my family's favorite stories to tell about me is when I came home from school crying in 2nd grade because I had been chewing gum. The teacher had not scolded me, I was crying because she didn't know I was chewing gum! In 6th when I was sliding on the ice (against the rules) and didnt' get caught, I confessed to my teacher after school. I wonder what he was thinking at the time-thank goodness he kept it to himself! And the examples go on........

Why was I "self-confessing?" My system just couldn't take the high levels of guilt. There was also a fear of "getting into trouble." The only way I knew to release it was to confess! Or to avoid getting into trouble. Also, with a brain that has sustained some kind of injury, thinking abstractly is very hard to do! These brains tend to see more in black/white, rules and consequences. It's harder for the brain to negotiate "exceptions" to rules or to judge when guidelines can be/are more flexible.

Though I no longer confess, per se, I am still prone to following rules. My cousin laughs with me about the times when we went hiking or swimming in a hotel pool-someone came to tell us it was time to pack it up, and so I was the first to bolt from the trail to the car or got out of the pool ASAP.

What to do? I don't have a clear answer for this. I am learning as I go along. I am much less rigid than I used to be but it's still hard. Time and experience have been the best teachers-the more I experience, the more I realize the exceptions and flexibility to rules and situations.
But I can say this-when dealing with someone who does have a high level of rigidity, talk through it with them, help them to understand the other points of view, etc. One of the most frustrating things for me as a child (and sometimes as an adult!!!) is to have a concern responded to with "don't worry about it." If time does not permit talking about it then, acknowledge that it is a valid concern. Unfortunately, the brain is not equipped with a switch that when someone says "don't worry about it," the concern disappears. It's a process.

Answer Anxiety

2010-08-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned in this blog, math and I am not, have not and likely will not ever be friends. Especially when it comes to solving math equations. I get anxiety and frustrated if it takes me time to figure out the answer. This was very frustrating to family members who would be attempting to help me with my homework and I would be guessing like mad.
I also recall driving in the car with my parents and they were trying to help me understand blocks, 100 south is one block south of Temple Square, etc. Then they would ask me questions. And I would get tense because it was quiet and I didn't have the answer right then, etc. Also, when I was taking exams for school I would typically be the first one done, having anxiety that if I didn't answer right away I might forget. And I rarely went back to check my answers because it would get too stressful for me. Too much thinking and rethinking. I also tend to make snap decisions in life-I don't like to deliberate!

So, with all that in mind, what's a girl to do???? A few things that have worked for me..... First of all, treating/managing my anxiety better so it wasn't such a deterrent for me. Second, just being aware that it's a challenge for me. Recognizing that I make snap decisions so taking time to think if I can afford to make a snap decision or if it really is something that needs more time and thought. And if I am going to finish a test quickly, I'd better be well prepared the first time! For me, it has been easier to be aware of it and accomodate instead of trying to get rid of it.

And suggestions for children- in my working with children with brain injury, I'll ask them questions but if they appear to be stressed, I'll move on and come back to it. If they show signs of wanting to figure it out, I'll be patient and support them. Most importantly, trying to create an environment where it's not complete silence and one person waiting on me to figure this out.

This is based mainly on my experience but hopefully there is something in here that applies to another's situation as well!
PS- if you read this blog, please let me know. It would really help to have that feedback. Thank you!!!

Should have known better?!?!

2010-08-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

The other day I recalled an incident from when I was 11, nearly 12 years old and it seemed to fit for this blog..... The incident is as follows:

I was talking with my best friend on the phone, making plans to get together that day. I put the phone down to ask my mom if she could come over and when I came back, the line was dead. I called her back and asked her what had happened. My friend said an operator came on the line and told her "Emergency call from "Jane" (my sister) will you please get off the line?' (Something like that). I basically thought, "that's weird. It must have been taken care of," and kept on talking.

When it was discovered a few minutes later that I had disregarded an emergency call (my niece needed stitches) I was severely scolded along the lines of "old enough to know better." When I realized what I had done, I felt awful. I hadn't meant to do anything wrong. Simply put, I just hadn't "connected the dots." An emergency call was completely new information to me and my brain didn't process it in a way that sent the message, "This is important. You should tell an adult about this."

As I now work with children, those with and without disabilities, I am reminded to be more compassionate, to see things from their perspective. I am particularly reminded to rethink expectations- not based solely on what they "should" or "should not" be doing but "how are they doing right now?" I try to deal with each child/situation as it comes because no two are alike!

Something to think about and remember.

So, the thought occurred to me....

2010-06-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

I recently realized that while I alluded to having social challenges, I didn't provide much info about the how and the why. Allow me to do so now...... Please.

In addition to, complementary to, whatever.... a brain injury, at least in my case, is Nonverbal Learning Disorder. Essentially what that means is difficulty learning skills, social and otherwise, unless they are specifically verbally taught. Brain injury disrupts the brain making normal brain connections. A typically developing brain can learn skills and unwritten rules and guidelines, simply by observing situations; however a brain that has disrupted develoment needs more specific teaching.

For example, you call someone, they are in a hurry and don't have much time to talk. They may specifically tell you that but it is more likely that will try to give "cues" such as short, direct answers and comments and/or a more frustrated, rushed tone of voice. Not necessarily rude, just trying to provide feedback that they can't talk for long. Unfortunately, if the person on the other end has had a brain injury, cues won't do the job. They need more specific, yet postive feedback such as, "Now is not a good time for me, when can we talk again?" They need to know that you can't talk now, that you are not mad/upset, you can/will continue the conversation later. (Or at least that has been true in my case.....)

A couple of other examples: unless there is specific teaching an individual with a brain injury is less likely to know what not to say/ask. Knowing when a question is too personal or when there is too much/unecessary information (like a clogged toilet. True story)

Finally, social situations are challenging for somone with a brain injury because there is so much brain negotiation required. For example, a preschooler who is trying to enter a playgroup. The act of choosing a group, making their way over there, deciding what to say/do to enter the playgroup, and how to adjust if their first entrance attempt fails. This can be overwhelming for inviduals aged children to adults!

So, whether you work, know or love someone with a brain injury, remember to do direct, specific, positve teaching and modeling to learn and develop social skills. It's needed and appreciated!

A Different Approach

2010-06-13T08:01:00.000-07:00

Math was not my friend during elementary school years. In fact, a lot of times it was my enemy! Math just did not make a lot of sense to me and as the academic challenges increased so did my level of frustation. I believe the biggest reason for my math struggles was that I approached problems in a different way than what was being taught. When the approach made sense to me, I did OK.

For example, I did really well in addition but I did not have a traditional problem solving approach. The classroom approach was to count/add number by number. 7+8 would be solved by starting with 8 and counting, 9,10,11,12, etc. However, I discovered an approach that seemed easier and made a lot more sense to me! I already knew that if I added 10 to any number, the first digit would remain the same, the second would increase by one. So naturally if I added 10 to 7, it would be 17. Next, I knew that subtracting 10-8 would be 2. So once I had 17 in my mind, I just subtracted 2 and got 15! Easy for me? Yes. Traditional? Perhaps not, but it worked for me!

Even today I can count from 17 to 510 simply by adding 20 and subtracting 3. Again, I stress the importance of trying new strategies and approaching and individualizing education for the child even when it may be untraditional. Because when an approach finally does click for a child, it feels fantastic!

Learning to Tie my Shoes

2010-06-11T05:32:00.000-07:00

When I think of eventually mastering skills as a child, I think of learning to tie my shoes. It took a significant amount of time. I did not successfully learn how to tie my shoes until I was 8 1/2 years old. I do not recall previous attempts of shoe tying-aside from being at school and having to ask peers to tie my shoes for me.

But I do clearly remember the afternoon when I mastered shoe tying. My great-aunt who had been a nurse for many years was visiting and my parents told her about my shoe tying struggles. She asked if she might give it a try with me. I remember sitting with her on the living room couch with a single shoelace in hand. She had me practice crossing, tying, knotting a shoelace not on a pair of shoes but around my knee. Before the afternoon was up, I could tie my shoes!

The message: when a child is struggling to master a skill, don't give up. Just try a different approach! You never know what approach may be just what clicks for the child.......

Social Struggles

2010-06-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

Having social struggles is nothing new for me. As a child through a teenager, while most of my peers were excitedly awaiting recess and/or lunch break as a chance to see and visit with their friends, I dreaded it. Why? Because it meant a span of time when I would be in large social settings and I would need to find someone to eat with or else be alone. I could usually find someone eat with that I happened to know and wouldn't care if I sat by them. Unfortunately, this typically meant that they wouldn't care if I wasn't there, either.

My lunchtime troubles were elevated my junior year of high school when my family moved to a new country and continent. I don't know that words can adequately describe what it was like to be living so far from home for the first time and attending school in a foreign country. Yet I still managed to thrive in that environment by participating in extracurricular activities. This strategy may not work for everyone, adding one more thing to a schedule might be too overwhelming, but for me it really worked! It led to leadership opportunities, responsibilities during lunchtime and even if my peers and I were not friends outside of club activities it gave us a connection and let me feel like I belonged.

Post-high school I needed a new strategy. I needed support for how to negotiate social situations- what to say, how to react, etc. I asked my sister to become my "social coach" and even today we discuss, we role-play and she gives me feedback, at my request. Recently, I wanted to have dinner with my friends to celebrate my grad school graduation. But the first round of invites brought no results and I was sorely disappointed. With my sisters guidance, new invites were sent out, using a new medium of communication, and nine friends accepted! It was a very sweet moment to go from years of eating alone to have so many friends surrounding me and supporting me.

Getting Lost and Then Finding My Way

2010-06-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

My earliest memories of getting lost date back to kindergarten. I lived across the street and around the corner from the school, a 2-3 minute walk at the most. However, I was unable to find my way home on my own. And as I increased with age, my ability to navigate, did not.

My philosophy on why it was so hard for me to find my way around is this: if I had to find my way independently for the first time, and I had directions, I was more likely to be successful. Not gauranteed, but more likely. However, if I did not idependently find my way, if I was following someone or just riding in the car, my "brain did not learn the way." The next time I had to make that trip, I would remember very little about how to do it, even if I had made that trip several times.

The good news? Things got better for me. Much better. Though navigation is still not a strength of mine I have found ways to adapt so it does not limit my life. First, whenever I am going somewhere new I try to leave in plenty of time to get there. Stress/anxiety tends to disrupt my ability and think logically about how to get from here to there. Next, I get directions- from online, from friends, etc. Finally, I tell people, in good taste, that I have a poor sense of direction. For example, my group of friends that I go out with know that I have a harder time finding my way around. Letting them know that has been helpful because it takes the pressure off me to help navigate and if I give bad directions or something goes wrong we can laugh about it, etc instead of me feeling embarrassed.

A challenge does not necessarily mean it is a limitation. Remember that.

2010-06-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

Introduction to Claire: A Success Story

Written by Dr. David Nilsson, Ph.D

I first met "Claire" about 9 nine years ago. She was first referred at that time for a neuropsychological assessment, presented as "bright" but with unusual variation in her academic function, presenting difficulty for hand/eye coordination, handwriting characterized as "horrible." Claire presented with particularly low stress and frustration tolerance, and promiment elevations of anxiety. Through her diligent effort she had been an excellent student, consistently on the honor roll but working unusually hard for grades. Math has been a particular concern; she nearly failed math, even with a calculator. Claire struggles socially still and becomes overwhelmed and over-stimulated. Her speech had been rapid and dysfluent, describing herself as an "intense person." Claire recognized the need for external structure having a difficult time relaxing and overreacting emotionally. She presented with an impressive tenacity, reactive irritability, and social anxiety. She displayed an unusually strong sense of right and wrong.

In completing neuropsychological testing, Claire presented with a mixed neurodevelopmental profile a pattern of impressive elevations and frustrating functional deficits. Based on history and testing it was my opinion that Claire experienced neurological injury, the source not clearly evident. No pregnancy or delivery complications were evident but Claire did have early vision problems (ie strabismus) undergoing surgery at 18 months. She developed asthma at age 2, clearly familial. She was described as her mother as beginning to stutter, expressive language becoming noticeably dysfluent, right after receiving a vaccination. Her oral motor function became somewhat imprecise. She did not learn how to ride a bike until 7 or 8 years of age.

Claire's drawings early in school were immature, drawing a circle as a straight line.

Subsequent to a rocky beginning, Claire has been very attentive in accepting feedback and applying it, continuing to the present day, having successfully completing a Master's Degree in Special Education. Claire continues to progress, making an important contribution to children and their development as a teacher.