Unhealthy Friendships

Friendships are, I believe, a crucial part of life, well-being, etc. However, forming healthy, lasting relationships can also be easier said than done! For me, at least in the beginning, friendship requires concious thought, rethinking and relearning. Due to the brain injury, it can be harder to read social cues, have social anxiety, etc creates challenges in forming friendships. BUT..... While I'm no expert, I have learned a few things along the way and I would like to share them with you. Perhaps, they will be of use to you, as well!!!!

First, I had a lot to learn about what defines a healthy/unhealthy relationship. Because I struggled making friends for so many years, I came to believe that anyone who was willing to be my friend, was a good friend. After all, who knew if/when another friend would come along? As a result, I would let myself be used by peers, get myself into an unhealthy relationship.

Learning as I went along, I began to discover red flags of an unhealthy relationship. Red Flag #1: friend wants you to do everything with them, on their schedule. Example: I had been thinking about joining a gym for fun, but money was tight. My friend, who admitted, she was overweight, also wanted to join a gym. She offered to pay my gym fees for me, but on one condition, that "whenever I go to the gym, you have to go with me." Um, no thanks.

How to get out of this red flag? Trust Yourself. And your instincts. Because I had treated myself as if I needed anyone to be a friend, those close to me had learned to see me that way as well. So, when I did voice my concerns to others, they saw it as her "being a good friend." But in my gut, I knew something wasn't quite right and so in time that led me to end the relationship.

Your thoughts or experiences are welcome!!!!

Next blog: more friendship red flags and resolutions.... stay tuned!!!

The Importance of Being Aware

Lately, I've been learning a lot about myself, being aware of what works, what doesn't, etc. These can be difficult lessons to learn at times but I have found some ways to make the learning easier because I've found these lessons to be very valuable!

For me, the best time for learning comes when my routine is "off" The next is to "stop and think." For example, on nights when I expect to sleep well but instead wake up in the middle of the night. I pause to consider my routine. "What did I do/not do before bed? What is happening tomorrow? Are any of these things enough to keep me awake?"

Sometimes the answer surprises me. For example, a sink with a few dirty dishes or some clothes on the closet floor may not seem like much but I have learned that even a minor mess can lead me to go to bed feeling "unfinished" and then I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to clean and "finish the job" Thus, I'm more motivated to do a basic clean-up before going back to bed.

I have also learned what effects my hobbies/exercise habits. I love to run and until a couple months ago, did most of my running inside on my treadmill. This was due to winter, rain, full-time work, etc. Then I started running outside with some friends a couple times a week. Now that school is out for the summer/more free time, I expected to get a lot of treadmill time in. Nope! Now that the weather is (getting warmer) and I've been running outside more, my treadmill has become unappealing to me! I still want/need the exercise but now I plan my schedule for outside runs.

So, final things to consider- your routine: what is typical/what is not? When things are off, what do you want/need to change?
It's not necessarily easy but becoming more aware about yourself can really pay off. Happy learning!!!

Embarrassment and Appreciation

In recent, I became aware of certain behaviors that I wanted/needed to change. Certain degress of this behavior did affect other people. No one was hurt or offended by my behaviors, I wasn't in danger, etc., I just became more aware and wanted to change.

My initial reaction(s) was embarrassment-that I could have acted in such a way, not known better, made better choices, etc. What followed was some definite "alone time" of a couple days without pressures of being around other people, possible judgements, etc. I needed to be alone with myself and my thoughts and assess where I was at, where I wanted to go and how I wanted to get there. At moments, the embarrassment did feel painful, although not all-consuming.

BUT....as I began to be brave and make changes, venture out of my comfort zone, I noticed some things. (1)I wasn't embarrassed anymore! (2)As I had changed, moved on, etc. I could look back and reflect with a MUCH greater appreciation for where I was currently, because I knew so well where I had been!

Life is full of adventures- in learning and otherwise!!!

Something that helps me sleep

I've long had the thought that my bed is the MOST comfortable when I have to get out of it-to wake up, go to work, etc. It felt like a bed from a hotel-soft, comfortable, warm, etc. However, when laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, or trying to go back to sleep, my bed felt much less comfortable!

Essentially, my mind felt like a giant stopwatch- "if I go to bed by this time, then i'll get 3 hours of sleep. If i don't fall asleep until this time, I'll only get 2 1/2 hrs of sleep." I had a LOT of anxiety about "what if I don't get enough sleep?" In my mind, lack of sleep would set off a chain of events for the next day-I'd be ornery, wouldn't want to do as much, wouldn't eat as well, etc. So by the time I'd built all this up in my mind, I'd made it much harder to go to sleep!!!!

Eventually it clicked in my mind that the bed felt so comfortable when I woke up, was the SAME bed I used to go to sleep! So now, when I'm trying to get to sleep, I give myself a pep talk of sorts. I tell myself that it's OK if I don't go to sleep right away. I tell myself that in the meantime I'll enjoy my big, soft pillow, my silky sheets, the blanket that my grandma made years ago. And yes, if you happen to be in my room when I'm going to sleep you really will hear me saying these things to myself!

The point is that by focusing more on how comfortable my bed feels, I feel more relaxed and I'm able to get to sleep. I even discovered that I enjoy the process of relaxing in my bed while trying to fall asleep!

Relaxing Feels Good

Recently, I was hit with a bad cold and fever, taking two days off of work.

• And all though I felt particularly crummy at times, wishing I could breathe and hear better, I had few complaints. Why? Because I had two days with just one goal-relax. I'm not the world's best relaxer but I do believe that relaxation is a goal, an action. Before my anxiety was reduced (still a work in progress) I would kind of relax but it was more of just "passing time," a lot of time, until the anxiety went away. I didn't necessarily enjoy it, for example 2 straight hours of watching tv and nothing else.




• But when I do have a goal, time set aside to "relax," it's different. I have a book I want to read, a movie I want to watch, a walk I want to take, etc. I feel refreshed after I deliberately relax. It gives me the clarity of thought to figure out "what next?" Another advantage for me of having a goal of relaxing is that I put myself first.




• It also really felt good for those two days to have my sole goals to be "taking care of self," and no one else. To feel that it was OK to only focus on myself for awhile.


• With what I have learned I am now more motivated to schedule and create time for myself with just one goal-relaxing. Not just relax when I am sick, but consistently. Because it really does feel good!!!!

Less Anxiety==More Time

In the past couple months or so I recognized I had a harder time "staying the course" Not staying SO down so much of the time, sticking to working/completing my goals. I would go along fine but when a bump in the road would, I would tend to just want to quit. Completely. Lately I have been working to reduce my anxiety through medication, Neurofeedback, and lifestyle changes. It is a work in progress, but the more my anxiety is reduced the more I learn about life and myself. Namely that less anxiety means more time. Time to do something for myself and more productive time. Anxiety can be a silent and stealthy robber. Without being fully aware of it, it caused to waste a lot of time watching tv, laying around, facebooking, etc. All of these things have their place, I'm not suggesting that every moment of the day needs be scheduled and structured. For me, the bigger picture was WHY I was wasting some much time not wanting to really engage in much. It was the anxiety was so potent that it made much harder to focus on things and I didn't want to focus so much on things that took time, energy and effort. Instead, I wanted to just "pass the time," and "entertain"myself. And watching tv can go by very quickly!!!! As I continue with treatment and lifestyle changes it is amazing to me how much more motivation and time I have now! To engage in activities that I not only want to do but that are constructive/productive. A lot more opportunities/goals have opened up to me now that I had forgotten about before. It's very much a work in progress but for now...... it's all good!

Recently I had a fun but busy weekend which left a lot of dishes to be washed, tasks to be done, items to be put away in my apartment. When I woke up on Sunday morning in the middle of the night, I immediately knew why. I didn't have order! Granted, I was sleeping in my bedroom, away from the clutter in the living room and kitchen, but my brain still sensed that there was clutter and things undone. In this case, I did a minimal 3:00am cleanup and promptly went back to bed! But to me, this is a classic example of how clutter can and does throw a person off. When there's more clutter than order I can feel myself stress/tense up. It throws me off and I have to take a few minutes to decided I want/need to do next. Here a some strategies that have helped me find and create more order in my life: -clean up before I go to bed. Not deep cleaning but things like hanging up clothes, loading the dishwwasher, filing bills I paid earlier -have a quiet hour without the cell phone, ipod, laptop or tv. Schedule permitting. -consistently get books from the library. I find that I am often attracted to technology for the desire to be "entertained" However, reading a new book can motivate to break away from the technology. So can trying a new recipe These strategies are hit and miss, trial and error. But when I do consistently engage in "orderly behavior" I CAN tell the difference. I am less stressed/tense. I sleep better and exercise more. I'm happier and more productive. What behaviors or strategies have helped you to find/create order in your life?