Embarrassment and Appreciation

In recent, I became aware of certain behaviors that I wanted/needed to change. Certain degress of this behavior did affect other people. No one was hurt or offended by my behaviors, I wasn't in danger, etc., I just became more aware and wanted to change.

My initial reaction(s) was embarrassment-that I could have acted in such a way, not known better, made better choices, etc. What followed was some definite "alone time" of a couple days without pressures of being around other people, possible judgements, etc. I needed to be alone with myself and my thoughts and assess where I was at, where I wanted to go and how I wanted to get there. At moments, the embarrassment did feel painful, although not all-consuming.

BUT....as I began to be brave and make changes, venture out of my comfort zone, I noticed some things. (1)I wasn't embarrassed anymore! (2)As I had changed, moved on, etc. I could look back and reflect with a MUCH greater appreciation for where I was currently, because I knew so well where I had been!

Life is full of adventures- in learning and otherwise!!!

Something that helps me sleep

I've long had the thought that my bed is the MOST comfortable when I have to get out of it-to wake up, go to work, etc. It felt like a bed from a hotel-soft, comfortable, warm, etc. However, when laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, or trying to go back to sleep, my bed felt much less comfortable!

Essentially, my mind felt like a giant stopwatch- "if I go to bed by this time, then i'll get 3 hours of sleep. If i don't fall asleep until this time, I'll only get 2 1/2 hrs of sleep." I had a LOT of anxiety about "what if I don't get enough sleep?" In my mind, lack of sleep would set off a chain of events for the next day-I'd be ornery, wouldn't want to do as much, wouldn't eat as well, etc. So by the time I'd built all this up in my mind, I'd made it much harder to go to sleep!!!!

Eventually it clicked in my mind that the bed felt so comfortable when I woke up, was the SAME bed I used to go to sleep! So now, when I'm trying to get to sleep, I give myself a pep talk of sorts. I tell myself that it's OK if I don't go to sleep right away. I tell myself that in the meantime I'll enjoy my big, soft pillow, my silky sheets, the blanket that my grandma made years ago. And yes, if you happen to be in my room when I'm going to sleep you really will hear me saying these things to myself!

The point is that by focusing more on how comfortable my bed feels, I feel more relaxed and I'm able to get to sleep. I even discovered that I enjoy the process of relaxing in my bed while trying to fall asleep!

Relaxing Feels Good

Recently, I was hit with a bad cold and fever, taking two days off of work.

• And all though I felt particularly crummy at times, wishing I could breathe and hear better, I had few complaints. Why? Because I had two days with just one goal-relax. I'm not the world's best relaxer but I do believe that relaxation is a goal, an action. Before my anxiety was reduced (still a work in progress) I would kind of relax but it was more of just "passing time," a lot of time, until the anxiety went away. I didn't necessarily enjoy it, for example 2 straight hours of watching tv and nothing else.




• But when I do have a goal, time set aside to "relax," it's different. I have a book I want to read, a movie I want to watch, a walk I want to take, etc. I feel refreshed after I deliberately relax. It gives me the clarity of thought to figure out "what next?" Another advantage for me of having a goal of relaxing is that I put myself first.




• It also really felt good for those two days to have my sole goals to be "taking care of self," and no one else. To feel that it was OK to only focus on myself for awhile.


• With what I have learned I am now more motivated to schedule and create time for myself with just one goal-relaxing. Not just relax when I am sick, but consistently. Because it really does feel good!!!!

Less Anxiety==More Time

In the past couple months or so I recognized I had a harder time "staying the course" Not staying SO down so much of the time, sticking to working/completing my goals. I would go along fine but when a bump in the road would, I would tend to just want to quit. Completely. Lately I have been working to reduce my anxiety through medication, Neurofeedback, and lifestyle changes. It is a work in progress, but the more my anxiety is reduced the more I learn about life and myself. Namely that less anxiety means more time. Time to do something for myself and more productive time. Anxiety can be a silent and stealthy robber. Without being fully aware of it, it caused to waste a lot of time watching tv, laying around, facebooking, etc. All of these things have their place, I'm not suggesting that every moment of the day needs be scheduled and structured. For me, the bigger picture was WHY I was wasting some much time not wanting to really engage in much. It was the anxiety was so potent that it made much harder to focus on things and I didn't want to focus so much on things that took time, energy and effort. Instead, I wanted to just "pass the time," and "entertain"myself. And watching tv can go by very quickly!!!! As I continue with treatment and lifestyle changes it is amazing to me how much more motivation and time I have now! To engage in activities that I not only want to do but that are constructive/productive. A lot more opportunities/goals have opened up to me now that I had forgotten about before. It's very much a work in progress but for now...... it's all good!

Recently I had a fun but busy weekend which left a lot of dishes to be washed, tasks to be done, items to be put away in my apartment. When I woke up on Sunday morning in the middle of the night, I immediately knew why. I didn't have order! Granted, I was sleeping in my bedroom, away from the clutter in the living room and kitchen, but my brain still sensed that there was clutter and things undone. In this case, I did a minimal 3:00am cleanup and promptly went back to bed! But to me, this is a classic example of how clutter can and does throw a person off. When there's more clutter than order I can feel myself stress/tense up. It throws me off and I have to take a few minutes to decided I want/need to do next. Here a some strategies that have helped me find and create more order in my life: -clean up before I go to bed. Not deep cleaning but things like hanging up clothes, loading the dishwwasher, filing bills I paid earlier -have a quiet hour without the cell phone, ipod, laptop or tv. Schedule permitting. -consistently get books from the library. I find that I am often attracted to technology for the desire to be "entertained" However, reading a new book can motivate to break away from the technology. So can trying a new recipe These strategies are hit and miss, trial and error. But when I do consistently engage in "orderly behavior" I CAN tell the difference. I am less stressed/tense. I sleep better and exercise more. I'm happier and more productive. What behaviors or strategies have helped you to find/create order in your life?

Not Enough Frosting-An Analogy in Perfectionism

Several years ago I was having dinner with friends I hadn't seen in awhile and I was asked to bring a desert for the dinner. I had a new recipe for a square layer cake I wanted to try. The cake turned out beautifully and deliciously, but then it came time to frost the cake, and I only had enough frosting for three sides.......

Panicked (a non-fully frosted cake isnt' perfect after all!!!!) I tried calling the neighbors in my apt complex to see if they had frosting, tried to make my own chocolate frosting, steal frosting from the other layers, etc. None of these worked and the harder I tried to "fix" the cake, the worse it looked and the more frustrated I got. Finally, I wrapped the whole thing in foil and put in the fridge hoping this would help me to just "leave it alone."

At some point in time, I did start thinking, "Does this really matter???" No, not really. Yes, the cake wouldn't be "perfect" but my friends would still be glad to see me! Would they judge me by my dessert? No, they would just be glad that I brought a dessert of some kind.

There are definitely times and situations that "do matter" in life. For example, doing your taxes. But much like I had to ask myself while trying to finish frosting a cake, "Does this really matter???" The majority of the time, it doesn't! I try to remind to look at the bigger picture.

For example, I generally don't stress about the "perfect gift" for someone- the more important picture is that I got them a gift, I did put time, thought and energy into it and so if they don't like it, too bad for them! Like with the cake, the more important picture was being with my friends and supplying some form of dessert.

So, when faced with a stressful situation remember to ask yourself, does this really matter???? You might find yourself surprised at the answer!

Recognize and Celebrate Your Strengths

Today I have been thinking about the importance of recognizing and celebrating your strengths. Especially those that may seem smaller, less significant, etc. It's all about what you CAN do.
The same adage is true for me, as well! As an example and to perhaps get you thinking, here are some "small strengths" I have learned about myself.......

-I make really good Rice Krispie treats. (Seriously, I do. They even earned a chunk of money at a silent auction once.....) They may be simple, easy, traditional, etc but the point is that I CAN make them well. Celebrating this means I can make something that I like, that turns out and that I can then share with those I know and love

-My memory. It does not apply to directions, tests, etc but it does apply to people. I am fortunate to remember details about people-names of their siblings, trips they've been on, favorite foods, etc. This allows to engage in conversations with people about things impt to them, indicates to them that I am interested in their life.

-Playing with children/teaching moments: behavior mgt is NOT my strength as a teacher. But one thing I can do well is have teaching moments with children. During lunch time we can discuss shape, color, texutre, etc of the food. If they are building with blocks, I am able to ask open-ended questions that further more discussion, rather than just "yes" or "no"

What are some strengths you have discovered about yourself????