I had an interesting experience at work the other day-I teach school. This year I am at a new school. Last Friday, while conversing with my co-teacher, it came up that I had sustained a brain injury. Her response: "You should have told me- you make SO much more sense now!" While I would recommend a more tactful response than "You make SO much more sense now"
her point was valid. There had been behaviors she had noticed but because she did not know about the brain injury, she assumed that something was wrong, that I "couldn't handle the job." Noticed behaviors included: looking down while I was talking to someone, giving blank looks, getting lost in the school, worrying about things that didn't need consideration. Behaviors that make much more sense when a brain injury is factored in.
My initial response: I felt offended and somewhat exposed that something was wrong. I assumed that if someone had noticed these things about me I must not be functioning as well as I thought. I felt like my faults were being pointed out. I tried to find resolution but I spent much of the weekend stewing over it. In conversation with some close friends, they mentioned that the intent of the conversation was most likely not critical, but I didn't believe them.
I was somewhat apprehensive to going back to work on Monday, afraid that people would be "watching" me, that I would have to work extra hard to prove that I could do the job. As it turns out, it was one of my best work days! I came to be grateful for that feedback, believing that it wasn't intended as critical, and realize that it was actually good and accurate feedback. For example, I felt I could converse better when I remembered not to look down and the day was more enjoyable when I would ask myself, "Do I really need to be concerned with this?" and then acting appropriately.
Feedback can be unexpected, painful, truthful, etc. However, if we move past the offense towards the possibilities, it can be very beneficial! Now it's your turn to respond: How would you feel if you were in my shoes? How would you have responded?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Learning Experiences
It's been said to me before that "mistakes are not mistakes. They are learning experiences. The only mistake is if you don't learn from it." I believed in that but couldn't quite put it into practice. I would think "Well, now I know for next time," but it was more of a passing thought.
Also, along with a brain injury comes higher levels of anxiety, perfectionism, guilt, etc. So when there were learning experiences, it was/is harder to separate from all the emotions and just learn and move ahead.
But yesterday, something clicked for me. I recently had a rather..... large..... learning experience, one of those that I was responsible for, consequence of my choices, etc. I had been having a really hard time moving past it, I could have avoided it-why didn't I, etc. Then I realized- without learning experiences, where would be the motivation to change? To ultimately become better and happier? So now because I do know, I can change. And more than just a passing thought.
Here's to learning experiences!!!!!
Also, along with a brain injury comes higher levels of anxiety, perfectionism, guilt, etc. So when there were learning experiences, it was/is harder to separate from all the emotions and just learn and move ahead.
But yesterday, something clicked for me. I recently had a rather..... large..... learning experience, one of those that I was responsible for, consequence of my choices, etc. I had been having a really hard time moving past it, I could have avoided it-why didn't I, etc. Then I realized- without learning experiences, where would be the motivation to change? To ultimately become better and happier? So now because I do know, I can change. And more than just a passing thought.
Here's to learning experiences!!!!!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Conversation Continued....
I had a few additional thoughts about the way I communicate, or how many/most individuals with a brain injury communicate.
-A need to say what is on your mind, even if it may not relate to the current conversation topic. When I have a spontaneous conversation topic, I try to remind myself to inform my conversation partner where that train of thought came from.
-A habit of saying what is on your mind at the first opportunity. This typically occurs when beginning a phone call. It can be tempting to skip the "how are you" part and just launch into the message, the purpose of why you called. I suppose that's why I'm a fan of texting-I can just give the message. The motivation for such communication is not trying to be rude or impatient, but someone with a brain injury has a very difficult time "putting thoughts aside." Rather, conversing or delivering a message can be like a goal to be accomplished.
-Sometimes endng a conversation can also be difficult because the ending is not always the same. Is it a long or a short phone call? Should you be the first one to hang up or not? How do you negotiate the social situation?
Thankfully conversation skills can be improved! Through trial and error, seeking feedback, etc.
-A need to say what is on your mind, even if it may not relate to the current conversation topic. When I have a spontaneous conversation topic, I try to remind myself to inform my conversation partner where that train of thought came from.
-A habit of saying what is on your mind at the first opportunity. This typically occurs when beginning a phone call. It can be tempting to skip the "how are you" part and just launch into the message, the purpose of why you called. I suppose that's why I'm a fan of texting-I can just give the message. The motivation for such communication is not trying to be rude or impatient, but someone with a brain injury has a very difficult time "putting thoughts aside." Rather, conversing or delivering a message can be like a goal to be accomplished.
-Sometimes endng a conversation can also be difficult because the ending is not always the same. Is it a long or a short phone call? Should you be the first one to hang up or not? How do you negotiate the social situation?
Thankfully conversation skills can be improved! Through trial and error, seeking feedback, etc.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Like Talking to a Roller Coaster
I am not the world's most gifted conversationalist. I have lots of valuable things to say (or at least I believe so), it's the give-and-take, attention, parts of the conversation that are a problem for me. The best analogy I can come up with is that talking to me can be like talking to a roller coaster!
For example, I tend to change topics at random, like how a car can jump from one roller coaster track to the other. Sometimes I forget that my friends can't read my mind and know what I'm thinking about when I suddenly bring up a new topic or return to the old one. Or when a friend/family member makes a comment, I hear them, but instead of responding, I give a comment that's related to what's on my mind at the time. Making eye contact is also very challenging for anyone with a brain injury- eye contact can be intimidating and/or just plain hard to stay that focused for an amount of time.
Having a conversation is especially challenging over the telephone because I can't see the other person's facial/body cues to know when they are done speaking. I tend to interrupt, not because I don't care or I'm trying to be rude but because there's less guide to know when it's OK for me to take a turn to talk. As a final example, I tend to forget that it's hard for people to follow me when I'm not paying attention. As a result, I tend to talk to my feet while I'm tying my shoes or inside my purse while I'm looking for something. Kind of like going through a dark tunnel on a rollercoaster.
Thankfully my conversation skills have improved over time. I have self-trained myself to be more aware of my conversation skills. For example, whenever someone tells me something, I count (to myself) to wait for a time to speak and make a comment to acknowledge that I am listening to what they are saying, that it is important to me. Waiting before my roller coaster car jumps tracks.
While I am by no means trying to condone poor conversation skills, keep in mind that they are very hard for hard for someone with a brain injury! Reading non-verbal cues, staying focused, keeping eye contact are not easy. So,when you are in the position of having a conversation with such a person- be kind, be patient. Rather than criticizing help them, guide them in improving their skills.
For example, I tend to change topics at random, like how a car can jump from one roller coaster track to the other. Sometimes I forget that my friends can't read my mind and know what I'm thinking about when I suddenly bring up a new topic or return to the old one. Or when a friend/family member makes a comment, I hear them, but instead of responding, I give a comment that's related to what's on my mind at the time. Making eye contact is also very challenging for anyone with a brain injury- eye contact can be intimidating and/or just plain hard to stay that focused for an amount of time.
Having a conversation is especially challenging over the telephone because I can't see the other person's facial/body cues to know when they are done speaking. I tend to interrupt, not because I don't care or I'm trying to be rude but because there's less guide to know when it's OK for me to take a turn to talk. As a final example, I tend to forget that it's hard for people to follow me when I'm not paying attention. As a result, I tend to talk to my feet while I'm tying my shoes or inside my purse while I'm looking for something. Kind of like going through a dark tunnel on a rollercoaster.
Thankfully my conversation skills have improved over time. I have self-trained myself to be more aware of my conversation skills. For example, whenever someone tells me something, I count (to myself) to wait for a time to speak and make a comment to acknowledge that I am listening to what they are saying, that it is important to me. Waiting before my roller coaster car jumps tracks.
While I am by no means trying to condone poor conversation skills, keep in mind that they are very hard for hard for someone with a brain injury! Reading non-verbal cues, staying focused, keeping eye contact are not easy. So,when you are in the position of having a conversation with such a person- be kind, be patient. Rather than criticizing help them, guide them in improving their skills.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Rigid Rule Follower
I am rigid rule follower! (Though much less rigid then I used to be) One of my family's favorite stories to tell about me is when I came home from school crying in 2nd grade because I had been chewing gum. The teacher had not scolded me, I was crying because she didn't know I was chewing gum! In 6th when I was sliding on the ice (against the rules) and didnt' get caught, I confessed to my teacher after school. I wonder what he was thinking at the time-thank goodness he kept it to himself! And the examples go on........
Why was I "self-confessing?" My system just couldn't take the high levels of guilt. There was also a fear of "getting into trouble." The only way I knew to release it was to confess! Or to avoid getting into trouble. Also, with a brain that has sustained some kind of injury, thinking abstractly is very hard to do! These brains tend to see more in black/white, rules and consequences. It's harder for the brain to negotiate "exceptions" to rules or to judge when guidelines can be/are more flexible.
Though I no longer confess, per se, I am still prone to following rules. My cousin laughs with me about the times when we went hiking or swimming in a hotel pool-someone came to tell us it was time to pack it up, and so I was the first to bolt from the trail to the car or got out of the pool ASAP.
What to do? I don't have a clear answer for this. I am learning as I go along. I am much less rigid than I used to be but it's still hard. Time and experience have been the best teachers-the more I experience, the more I realize the exceptions and flexibility to rules and situations.
But I can say this-when dealing with someone who does have a high level of rigidity, talk through it with them, help them to understand the other points of view, etc. One of the most frustrating things for me as a child (and sometimes as an adult!!!) is to have a concern responded to with "don't worry about it." If time does not permit talking about it then, acknowledge that it is a valid concern. Unfortunately, the brain is not equipped with a switch that when someone says "don't worry about it," the concern disappears. It's a process.
Why was I "self-confessing?" My system just couldn't take the high levels of guilt. There was also a fear of "getting into trouble." The only way I knew to release it was to confess! Or to avoid getting into trouble. Also, with a brain that has sustained some kind of injury, thinking abstractly is very hard to do! These brains tend to see more in black/white, rules and consequences. It's harder for the brain to negotiate "exceptions" to rules or to judge when guidelines can be/are more flexible.
Though I no longer confess, per se, I am still prone to following rules. My cousin laughs with me about the times when we went hiking or swimming in a hotel pool-someone came to tell us it was time to pack it up, and so I was the first to bolt from the trail to the car or got out of the pool ASAP.
What to do? I don't have a clear answer for this. I am learning as I go along. I am much less rigid than I used to be but it's still hard. Time and experience have been the best teachers-the more I experience, the more I realize the exceptions and flexibility to rules and situations.
But I can say this-when dealing with someone who does have a high level of rigidity, talk through it with them, help them to understand the other points of view, etc. One of the most frustrating things for me as a child (and sometimes as an adult!!!) is to have a concern responded to with "don't worry about it." If time does not permit talking about it then, acknowledge that it is a valid concern. Unfortunately, the brain is not equipped with a switch that when someone says "don't worry about it," the concern disappears. It's a process.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Answer Anxiety
As previously mentioned in this blog, math and I am not, have not and likely will not ever be friends. Especially when it comes to solving math equations. I get anxiety and frustrated if it takes me time to figure out the answer. This was very frustrating to family members who would be attempting to help me with my homework and I would be guessing like mad.
I also recall driving in the car with my parents and they were trying to help me understand blocks, 100 south is one block south of Temple Square, etc. Then they would ask me questions. And I would get tense because it was quiet and I didn't have the answer right then, etc. Also, when I was taking exams for school I would typically be the first one done, having anxiety that if I didn't answer right away I might forget. And I rarely went back to check my answers because it would get too stressful for me. Too much thinking and rethinking. I also tend to make snap decisions in life-I don't like to deliberate!
So, with all that in mind, what's a girl to do???? A few things that have worked for me..... First of all, treating/managing my anxiety better so it wasn't such a deterrent for me. Second, just being aware that it's a challenge for me. Recognizing that I make snap decisions so taking time to think if I can afford to make a snap decision or if it really is something that needs more time and thought. And if I am going to finish a test quickly, I'd better be well prepared the first time! For me, it has been easier to be aware of it and accomodate instead of trying to get rid of it.
And suggestions for children- in my working with children with brain injury, I'll ask them questions but if they appear to be stressed, I'll move on and come back to it. If they show signs of wanting to figure it out, I'll be patient and support them. Most importantly, trying to create an environment where it's not complete silence and one person waiting on me to figure this out.
This is based mainly on my experience but hopefully there is something in here that applies to another's situation as well!
PS- if you read this blog, please let me know. It would really help to have that feedback. Thank you!!!
I also recall driving in the car with my parents and they were trying to help me understand blocks, 100 south is one block south of Temple Square, etc. Then they would ask me questions. And I would get tense because it was quiet and I didn't have the answer right then, etc. Also, when I was taking exams for school I would typically be the first one done, having anxiety that if I didn't answer right away I might forget. And I rarely went back to check my answers because it would get too stressful for me. Too much thinking and rethinking. I also tend to make snap decisions in life-I don't like to deliberate!
So, with all that in mind, what's a girl to do???? A few things that have worked for me..... First of all, treating/managing my anxiety better so it wasn't such a deterrent for me. Second, just being aware that it's a challenge for me. Recognizing that I make snap decisions so taking time to think if I can afford to make a snap decision or if it really is something that needs more time and thought. And if I am going to finish a test quickly, I'd better be well prepared the first time! For me, it has been easier to be aware of it and accomodate instead of trying to get rid of it.
And suggestions for children- in my working with children with brain injury, I'll ask them questions but if they appear to be stressed, I'll move on and come back to it. If they show signs of wanting to figure it out, I'll be patient and support them. Most importantly, trying to create an environment where it's not complete silence and one person waiting on me to figure this out.
This is based mainly on my experience but hopefully there is something in here that applies to another's situation as well!
PS- if you read this blog, please let me know. It would really help to have that feedback. Thank you!!!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Should have known better?!?!
The other day I recalled an incident from when I was 11, nearly 12 years old and it seemed to fit for this blog..... The incident is as follows:
I was talking with my best friend on the phone, making plans to get together that day. I put the phone down to ask my mom if she could come over and when I came back, the line was dead. I called her back and asked her what had happened. My friend said an operator came on the line and told her "Emergency call from "Jane" (my sister) will you please get off the line?' (Something like that). I basically thought, "that's weird. It must have been taken care of," and kept on talking.
When it was discovered a few minutes later that I had disregarded an emergency call (my niece needed stitches) I was severely scolded along the lines of "old enough to know better." When I realized what I had done, I felt awful. I hadn't meant to do anything wrong. Simply put, I just hadn't "connected the dots." An emergency call was completely new information to me and my brain didn't process it in a way that sent the message, "This is important. You should tell an adult about this."
As I now work with children, those with and without disabilities, I am reminded to be more compassionate, to see things from their perspective. I am particularly reminded to rethink expectations- not based solely on what they "should" or "should not" be doing but "how are they doing right now?" I try to deal with each child/situation as it comes because no two are alike!
Something to think about and remember.
I was talking with my best friend on the phone, making plans to get together that day. I put the phone down to ask my mom if she could come over and when I came back, the line was dead. I called her back and asked her what had happened. My friend said an operator came on the line and told her "Emergency call from "Jane" (my sister) will you please get off the line?' (Something like that). I basically thought, "that's weird. It must have been taken care of," and kept on talking.
When it was discovered a few minutes later that I had disregarded an emergency call (my niece needed stitches) I was severely scolded along the lines of "old enough to know better." When I realized what I had done, I felt awful. I hadn't meant to do anything wrong. Simply put, I just hadn't "connected the dots." An emergency call was completely new information to me and my brain didn't process it in a way that sent the message, "This is important. You should tell an adult about this."
As I now work with children, those with and without disabilities, I am reminded to be more compassionate, to see things from their perspective. I am particularly reminded to rethink expectations- not based solely on what they "should" or "should not" be doing but "how are they doing right now?" I try to deal with each child/situation as it comes because no two are alike!
Something to think about and remember.
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