Friends

When you have a brain injury between 0-2 years old, like me, making friends can be really hard! Here are some of the reasons why:

• Reading social cues-knowing the give and take of conversation. When it's your turn to talk, when it's your turn to listen. Recognizing that someone's body language or change in their tone of voice, means that it's not a good time-without them directly saying it. A LOT for the brain to process in a short amount of time
• Sometimes be causes friends are harder to come by, you might let yourself my used by someone, have them take advantage of your kindness because it's nice to be wanted and needed
• Anxiety!!! And when anxiety hits, it's more difficult to think clearly, process, take the action you want to take

How you can help to be a good friend-this is for me as much as anyone else, I have work to do, too!

• Use verbal cues and reassurance. Tell team directly that you do want to talk with them and you will, later but now is not a good time because....
• Allow them to be involved just like with anyone else. Everyone wants to feel a part of something!
• Support their interests. When you can, attend a game, concert, etc.
• Model appropriate social behavior and cues for them. Be a classy friend. 
• Be patient and try to understand where they are coming from, how their brain is processing and responding, etc.

And a huge thank you to all that are sincere friends, who make me a better person when I am around them.

Power of an Opportunity

Growing up, not yet knowing about the brain injury, a lot of things were hard for me. I struggled with hand-eye coordination so I couldn't sink a free-throw or advance a lot in playing violin or piano, even though I tried and I wanted to.  Making friends was hard because of reading social cues, figuring out the give and take, etc.

With Thanksgiving approaching, a memory..... Growing up, one of my parents neighbors started a children's choir, still going today. My siblings and I all sang in the choir at one time or another.  It's a prominent audition choir, winning awards, touring, recording CDs, etc. Last November my sister ran into the director at the music store. (He's been a family friend for many years). He's a bachelor so she invited him to our house for Thanskgiving and it was a great time.

It wasn't until much later that I realized what a blessing that choir was to me from age 8-16. It wasn't perfect; there were 2 choirs and it took me several years to qualify be in the more advanced choir and that's OK. The important thing was it gave me something to be GOOD at when so many other things were so hard for me. It gave me tremendous opportunities that I wouldn't have had otherwise and at the risk of being dramatic, I don't know where I would have been then or now, without it. I was fortunate that the director is still around so I could tell him about it.

For those with special needs, an opportunity is HUGE. Apparent or not, they are aware of what's going on, they have needs, wants, desires to be accepted, to feel successful, feel good about themselves. If you are in the position to provide an opportunity, do it. If you have been the recipient of an opportunity, special needs or not, thank someone. Every bit of good counts!!!!

Thanks, Mom!

In honor of Mother's Day..... My mom has a child with special needs.  I believe she is extra special since I sustained a brain injury between 0-2 years old but not diagnosed until 21. Trying to help me and support me the best way she knew how; being aware that I had challenges but not understanding the nature of my challenges and how to address them.

Here are the top 3 things that my Mom did that helped me the most:
-She supported my dreams
-She listened to me when I would talk about my challenges and try to help as best she could
-I knew she was proud of me and loved me, simply for being me.

Thanks, Mom. I love you.

Benefits of List Making

I am a recent convert to the benefits of list making. I generally have a good memory and did well at remembering what I need to do, where I need to be and when. The combination of my memory and success and pride I believe kept me from discovering the benefits sooner. List making was suggested to me as a strategy before but I would think, "lists? I don't need lists! I can do this on my own!"

However, once I did begin the list making and started to reap the benefits I have not looked back! The biggest benefit is that it helps with my anxiety, a common and prominent effect of brain injury.  List making also helps reduce feeling overwhelmed, which can shut me down and make it hard to even begin what I need to do!

Life events also gave me a nudge.   A couple months ago a badly broken leg forced me to take off a few weeks of work. A couple nights before my scheduled return date I started freaking out about all I all I had to do upon my return so I decided to make a list. And I learned that while there was in fact a lot to get done, it wasn't nearly as much as I initially anticipated! This calmed my fears and helped me to be more productive. Now I make lists for many things. Groceries, people to call/email, general to do list, etc. I have one for home and one for work, posted in a prominent place with a writing utensil close by.

What benefits have you experienced from list making? What strategies have worked for you?

Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt

I tend to be determined and independent, sometimes slow to ask for help, sometimes going to great lengths to do it on my own; which sometimes just creates more work for me! Thankfully, there are times when I do recognize that I do need help, there are people that I can appropriately ask for help, etc.  However, until recently I often had the attitude that while people did not mind helping me out, they felt obligated to do or circumstances compelled them to do it.

My Grandma had similar challenges and feelings.  When I was growing up, she missed a lot of personal and family activities because she was so afraid of inconveniencing someone to help her get there and back or offer some other form of assistance. It is also worthy to note that this was not how I saw relationships with other people! I did not attend friends birthdays celebrations because I felt I had to or listen to friends because I had nothing else better to do.  I did not treat them with kindness or help them out because I was "just being nice to them." 

One day it clicked for me and I realized that my being the recipient of service, kindness, friendship was because people wanted to do so!  They weren't feeling pushed into it, humoring me, simply bored, etc. They simply cared about me as a person and wanted to help when the opportunity came.  I was relaying this to my sister one day.  We have had many conversations over the years and she is a master at validating my feelings, comforting me, and guiding me in the problem solving process. We have also had many fun conversations, just catching up and enjoying each other! However, often times I have been really concerned with taking up too much of her time, bothering her, etc.   I explained to her that I had realized that she really did want to have those conversations with me. And they were sincere conversations.

She said something that stuck with me. She said, "Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt." I realized that it really was not fair to not trust others or to assume things about them that really weren't true.  For example, to assume that they really were not interested or wanting to listen or help but they felt obligated or were humoring.  I realized I had created skewed ideas that were out of touch with the reality of the situation.  I decided i want to more fully enjoy and be grateful to be the recipient of love, service and friendship and not weigh myself down with assumptions and/or anxiety.

Your feedback is welcome! Thoughts? Questions?

Accepting Feedback

A couple times in the past month I recieved tactful feedback from good friends of mine about behaviors I was engaging that were not to my advantage..... My behaviors were not being percieved as I thought they were...... I won't go into details here but their feedback was valid!

My first thought? Embarrassment.  How could I engage in that kind of behavior? Didn't I know/do better? Would they remember that feedback the next time we went out?  I was reminding myself that we ALL make mistakes, have painful learning experiences but at those moments, I couldn't think of any others shortcoming. I only felt my own shortcomings. And I really did feel them! By the way, looking back it was probably not the kindest action to try to think of/remember others mistakes/shortcomings!

However, sooner rather than later I learned some important lessons. Ultimately, I felt glad and relieved to have that feedback. How glad I was to know now so that I didn't have to wait longer to adjust my behaviors, or carry them on longer and continue to be unaware of the message I was sending!  I felt grateful to have friends that cared enough to be honest and tactful with me and help me to become better.

I also realized that I couldn't remember moments of being aware of others shortcomings because I simply did not remember! I think I assumed that people remember a lot about those painful moments, that they are just as aware as I am in the moment and will be aware in the future, as well.  However, chances are they do not give it another thought once the moment has passed. 

Painful but truly important lessons to learn! \
Your feedback is welcome! Questions? Comments?