My Story of Living With a Brain Injury

I am young adult living with the trials and triumphs as a result of a brain injury. This is my story.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Emotional Signs.......

Work life this past 4-6 weeks has for the most part been pure HECK. I am NOT trying to be dramatic, attention-seeking, etc. Just honest :)

Now that the dust is beginning to clear, I have learned things about myself, how I respond in times of high emotion-stress, depression, anixety, etc. There is no right or wrong, just a list of things that are "signs" of when I have high emotions.

-I tend to eat less, but something about a cheese quesadilla (slices of a cheese on a whole wheat tortilla nuked in the microwave for 42 seconds) becomes the most appealing dish! When I'm eating more cheese quesadillas, it often something is going on!

-I tend to sleep more on the living couch than in my bed. When I am stressed, I prefer to go to bed watching tv while laying on the couch. I find just laying in my bed in quiet can be kind of stressful

-It can be harder to get "regular" things done-hair done, prescriptions picked up, go the gym, etc. It often does get done sometimes just not as often as it might otherwise.....

The point? It's not so much about me, just word of advice to become aware of you and your feelings. Discover habits, triggers, etc. that occur when your emotions are running high. It can help you identify the challenge and work towards a solution.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Life Happens......

Life has been..... a bit...... eventful lately with events ranging from a broken washer, broken tooth, serious trouble at work for events that were beyond my control, etc. When things go wrong, I tend to blame myself- looking at how it could have gone differently, what I could have done to avoid it, etc. Obviously, it really doesn't make me feel any better :)

But I recently learned and believed that life simply happens!!!! Yes, there are those moments that I bring upon myself through choices, actions, whatever but most of the time it happens all on its own! I realized that I have to separate the "how/why" of what happened and focus instead on getting through it as best I can. Again, remembering that life simply happens, to all of us:)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Keep Your Eyes Open!!!!

The other day I was working out with my trainer at the gym when she presented me with a daunting task. She combined a series of "steps" like what you use for step aerobics until the "step" was about 14 inches and challenged to jump on top off it with both feet. A daunting task for several reasons!

I missed many times in a row trying to get on top of the step. I'd miss completely, or I'd get just one foot on top, or both feet would just brush the top. At first I thought I was missing due to fear, and I was a bit scared! Scared that I would fall off, fall to the ground, hit my back or something like that. But once my trainer paused and showed me exactly where I had to land, right in the middle of the step with both feet, I discovered the source of my problem. I was jumping with my eyes closed!

Once I focused on where I had to land and made sure to keep my eyes open I began to hit/stick the landing. Not each time, but it did happen! And I began to think of how it applies to life. That there are things I want to do, try, accomplish, etc but for whatever reason-fear, feeling overwhelmed, unsure, etc. I don't focus on it with my eyes open. I kind of wander through and hope that things will come together as I want them to.

Lately, when I set my eye on something, I next sit down and write down, step by step where it was I want to go, and how I want to get there. Trying my best to focus on just one thing at a time-not an easy task for me! But thinking it through, writing it down, focusing and keeping my eyes open has made a world of difference in seeing where I want to go and staying the course to get there.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

External Help

Recently I have been learning about the external help. There are a lot of things in the world that I would like to do, be better at, learn about, etc. But a combination of the brain injury (needing more to process the steps, lower frustration tolerance level) and life circumstances in general can make it more challenging to learn skills, master them, etc. This is the part where "external help" comes in. Some examples from my own life.

-Recently I started working at the gym I already go to with a personal trainer. I know this is not for everybody, but for me, I have LOVED it. It takes all the "guesswork" out of exercising and strength training. Recently, I ran in another 1/2 marathon (not my first) while I was happy about my finishing time, by far the best part was that I was not sore the next day!!!! I credit a lot of that to my trainer and the strength training exercises she showed me.

-Before I hired a trainer, I would ask friends who had knowledge of strength training to go with me to the gym and show me some strength training exercises I could do
-My mom going with me to buy plants for my garden and giving me tips along the way

-I have a sister who LOVES to organize. She has helped me with many an organizing project. Recently I was on my own to tackle my bedroom and closet but a lot of what she had patiently taught me was still in my head. The result! I love walking into a room and closet that is organized, I breathe a sigh of relief and smile

The point is, as you feel comfortable there are often times many people around you happy to help you, guide you, teach you. Often free of charge, too! Or you can always google "how to" There are some skills too, that are just not for me. No matter how many times I am taught by different people at different times I will likely not get up on waterskis or bowl anything over 86. So be flexible with your goals :)

But if there are such skills you would like to learn, to practice, I would like to encourage you to not be stopped by fear or lack of know how. Chances are there is someone or something out there that would be more than happy to teach/guide you. And when you have learned that skills, it feels fantastic!

Questions? Comments?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Anxious Behavior

Recently I was visiting with a friend who told me about a family member of hers who was trying to kick the habit of "hoarding" The individual admitted that she was a "hoarder," buying things to quell her anxiety.


I believe that anxiety can influence a lot of different behaviors, particuarly those that we engage in during full-on anxiety. The behavior serves to distract from the anxiety-if you deny a problem, there is none! Or just simply engaging in behavior that is not overly constructive, but you do it to try and make the anxiety go away.


I found this conversation rather fascinating because it got me thinking about what I do in my bouts of anxiety. It made me want to know what behavior I engage in to deny the anxiety or try to make it go away.


I discovered that in my high moments of anxiety, I engage in technology/entertainment. I watch more consecutive tv shows, check my e-mail more often, spend more time on facebook, etc. There are other, perhaps more constructive behaviors I could engage in such as reading a book, exercising, cooking, etc. but I tend to choose the "technology/entertainment" because for me, it seems to require less "brain power" and more "distraction"


Email, tv, facebook, etc are great in moderation. The problem is that when my anxiety hits I tend to spend too much time engaged in those activities, just waiting for the anxiety to pass. One 1/2 hr tv turns into 2 hours, I'm rechecking facebook to see if any of my friends have updated their status.


And really, all those behaviors do is overstimulate my brain. Next time, I feel anxious, my goal is to pick up a book, cook something at the stove, put on running shoes, find a more constructive outlet for dealing wtih my anxiety, one that will leave me feeling less overstimulated in the end.

Questions??? Comments????
Thanks for reading!!!


One Important Question

When facing anxiety, less desirable situations-I am learning to ask myself One Important Question. "What is the worst that could happen?" When I take time to stop, think and try to create a logical answer, I usually discover that "the worst" really isn't so bad, my fears are somewhat unfounded, etc. Asking myself, "What's the worst that could happen,?" is a question that give me perspective and keeps me grounded.

Make it Fun!

Though I have yet to be a parent, I am an educator by trade and have lived through being a child with a disability. During the summer, I tutor twins who sustained brain injuries (sadly, due to abuse) I have a main rule for myself during tutoring sessions.

For whatever I am teaching-math, reading, science, etc. "Make it FUN! Make it a game!" If it's not fun, I might as well be wasting my time. None of us really enjoy learning via drill/repetition, and even if I may get the point across once, if it wasn't engaging or appealing to them, it is much less likely to stick with them.

I believe that making learning fun is crucial for a child with a brain injury because there is so much that does need to be taught. For a child with a disability, they are much less likely to pick up on cues, learn something just by observing it once, be able to apply it naturally to other concepts/generalize the concept learned. For those reasons, more learning is usually needed so if it can be taught in a fun, engaging way, so much the better!

Give Yourself a Pep Talk

Recently, I celebrated the 4th of July holiday by doing an 8 mile run with a good friend! It may sound crazy to some, I know.... 8 miles was longer than I have run in sometime and I cannot say that all moments were "fun" But we made it through. Together.

My friend set the pace, I followed her, and I gave us the pep talks along the way. Things like "I will NOT throw up here, (eating a cookie before a run, BAD idea) c'mon legs-don't fail us now, it's downhill up ahead-we love downhill!"

As cheesy as those sound(ed) they totally worked! We finished the 8 mile run with smiles, dumped bottles of water over our heads (it was HOT) and felt very accomplished!

I find giving myself "pep talks" is very beneficial as well! Reminding myself of things that I maybe don't want to do, but I know I can do. Tell myself that a short, unpleasant experience will be followed by something much more rewarding. And keep telling myself those things enough that I soon believe it!

It's Not All About Me!!!!

As mentioned in a previous post, I tend to have guilt involving other people and their feelings. Working on kicking that habit! Anyway....

For example, when someone close to me, a good friend, roommate, sibling, etc. is out of sorts, seems upset around me, etc. my thoughts tend to jump to what I did/could have done to upset that individual. What do I ned to change?

However, my sister taught me an impt lesson regarding this type of scenario. It's not all about me! When my focus is on "what did I do, how did I affect the other person," I'm not necessarily concerned about them or trying to help them. I'm trying to make sure I stay on their "good side" Recently, I had an experience where things seemed out of sorts with someone close to me. Out of the blue, unusual kind of behavior for this friend. Trying to heed my sister's advice, I laid low, just let things pass and within 48 hrs things were back to normal!

So,when having anxiety about relationships remember this, "It's not all about you!" Remembering this has certainly worked for me!

Care About Claire Day

Recently I had another "really bad day" Thankfully, this time my emotions didn't spill over onto other but I was truly hurting inside! Just too many emotional events at once! I had support from family and friends, though.

Still working through it the next day, Sunday, I decided to give myself a "Care About Claire Day." This is something I do truly for myself on occassion. I call it by a different name, using my real name, but the idea is the same. I have one goal: only do things that I truly "want" to do. Granted, it's not fool-proof, stuff may come up that needs to be done, but I try to stick to the goal of doing things I want to do.

And this time, I created another goal, to "love myself as much as possible." Rather than be hard on myself to get over it, compare myself, etc. I chose to love myself because I knew I was hurting. Loving myself made a huge difference!

You will want to make your "care day" your own but here is a sampling of activities that I have enjoyed on my various "care days": bake cookies, go for a walk, read a good book, clean/organize, go shopping, try a new recipe, watch a movie, chat with a good friend, nap, long hot shower, play with my nieces and nephews.

And if you may be thinking, "Nice idea, but there's no way I could take that kind of time for myself." Carve out what time you can spare for yourself without adding extra stress. If you could create more time by having someone help you, don't be afraid to ask for that help! People understand.

Happy "Care About Claire Day" and I hope you enjoy celebrating your own "Care Day" It's a Holiday I HIGHLY reccommend!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Free Pass

I try very hard in life to be considerate of other people's feelings, schedules, etc. Majority of the time I do pretty well at it, I believe. But other times my emotions/life get too overwhelming for me and it spills over onto other people.

Even though I know perfection is an "illusion" sometimes it still sounds really good to me! Telling myself things like, "If I just tried harder..." etc. For that reason when I do make choices that affect other people (ie taking out my moods on them) it can be very hard for me to let it go, move on, etc., even after I have made ammends.

I had one of those experiences recently. I don't remember the events that led up to it but I was emotional, my emotions did spill over to other people. I apologzied but I still felt embarassed and had a hard time letting it go, would those people I had affected really forget about it??? Discussing this with a friend the phrase was used, "Sometimes you need to cut yourself some slack." The word "need" really struck with me and helped me realize that it really was OK!

Further, I remembered that we all have bad days. We all have choices we would like to redo. No one is immune to challenges in life and sometimes it just feels like it's too much! It happens. Truly I hadn't meant to say the things that I had, I was just going through a really bad time.

With that in mind, I developed the strategy of giving myself a "free pass" For those when I was struggling and just needed to remember that it was all OK! Not to exclude myself from responsibility or making ammends, just to remember to ease up on myself and move on. For the next few hours whenever I was tempted to relive those events in my mind, I told myself, "Free pass, free pass, free pass." And it worked! To the degree that now, a couple weeks later I don't remember a thing about the situation, just that it was a time to give myself a "free pass" to cut myself some slack and move on!

Questions? Comments?

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Focus on What You Can Control

I have a very wise and loving sister, "Elizabeth." We talk about lots of things in life and one piece of advice that has stuck with me over time is "Focus on what YOU can control." Don't waste energy on what you can't change.

So, in light of the previous post, instead of being concerned with being a "good enough" friend I am instead putting my energy into ways that I CAN be a good friend. I can still call, text, send cards and invite them over to dinner.

The advice to "focus on what you can control" has helped me a lot. It applies to many different situations and it gives me new perspective, helps me to focus on the positive and invest my energy into the "doing."

What pieces of advice have been helpful for you????

Friday, June 17, 2011

Choosing Limits

A bit of background, for various reasons, brain injury being a small part of that, I don't have a car of my own to drive. My friends are great at giving me rides, helping me to get places, etc without a word of complaint. I try to be considerate of their schedule, treat them to lunch or dinner, etc.

My friends are also good, kind people who care about one another and want to help them. Recently I heard about several acts of kindness done to friends with the use of a car (ie taking to a dr's appt, bringing them balloons, and more). I felt bad, wishing that I could do more to be a better friend, that I could have more opportunities to show my friends that I cared. (I share this because I know that we all, at one time or another wish we were more, better, etc).

I began to wonder if I was a poor friend, selfish with my time when I could be doing more. But let's face it when your option is your feet, it's harder to get stuff done and share it with others. I wanted SO much for my friends to know how I cared, and hoped that they knew it.... I was concerned that maybe I wasn't doing enough to repay all that they do for me.

But I did begin to make a list of good things I do/did whether for friends or not..... Here's some of what I discovered: attended a wedding reception, helped my parents in the yard, sent a text to a friend that I was thinking of, hosting a celebratory party for a friend, baby-sitting for neices and nephew. It was a nice change to think good things about myself instead of being so hard on myself.

And.... I realized something else-very important and very true!!! You are only as limited as you choose to be!!!

Something to think about.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Triggers and Signals

Lately I have been thinking about "triggers and signals." For example, example what tends "trigger" my anxiety and the "signals" of how I know it likely my anxiety causing problems, not something else..... Obviously, each case is going to be different but here are some examples of how it has happened in my own life......

I recall once being in church and suddenly feeling so mad and anxious about going to a family dinner later that day. I was mad that I didn't have a car, why did I need to go with my parents, etc. All valid points but as I backtraced my thoughts they really had little to do with the source of my tension. Rather, it was that there were some tough situations at work, I didn't want my parents to worry, I didnt' want to talk about it with them, but I was so worried that the topic would come up on the 15 drive to the family dinner. But as I worried more on that topic, it led to being mad about not having a car, mad about driving somewhere with my parents, etc.

So when I'm able to recognize that my thoughts, anxiety, has taken a major leap, I know I need to stop, think and realize what the real problem is.

Another is how I communicate and my impulses. When I am communicating via phone, text or e-mail more than is typical during the day(s) it's usually a sign of anxiety. My impulse to contain my thoughts, wait on them, etc. is much lower. It's also much harder to control my impulses with eating.

In order to recognize your own signals and triggers, first you have to be aware behaviors and attititudes are more typical, the norm for you. I find that it helps to have a "routine" so it's easier to assess when the routine is off. I also will write down my feelings, how I felt, when, why, so that I become more familiar with them over time and they become easier to recognize.

What signals and triggers have you recognized in your own life? And how did you come to recognize them?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Just Being Myself-Not Right or Wrong

In some areas I can be a perfectionist at times-I like to have good hair days, have outfits that coordinate with accessories. I like to have "everything in it's place." To name a few.....

But...... there are also areas where I am NOT a perfectionist. For examples, hanging pictures on my wall. If no one is around, I'll hang it myself, even if it is a bit (or more than a bit) crooked! It just doesn't bother me. When I have dinner guests all the glasses and plates and silverware do not match or even come close to it.... And a centerpiece? Forget about it! Perhaps in the future though....

The point is, there are those I know and love who are bothered by crooked pictures and who make beautiful centerpieces. They do care about those things and good for them! The point is that we can all care about different things, do different things well, and it's OK! Truly, there is no right or wrong.

Remember that and trust me, I am working on remembering it myself......

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Unhealthy Friendships, 2

Part two about unhealthy friendships.....
Brain injury or not, making friends has not necessarily come easy for me. I've had my share of ups and downs which is motivated to write this specific blog post. For anyone who has been in that position, my hope is to share what I have learned, let you know that you are not alone, and to perhaps benefit someone else. Your feedback/experiences are welcome as well!

As in the last blog post, there's red flag for friendship, but also a resolution!
Red Flag: Constant compliments, affirmation
It is no secret to those who know me that I am sucker for sentimentality-I save cards, replay conversations in my head, reread e-mails, etc. And that's OK! However, there can be too much of a good thing...... As previously mentioned, there have been friends who have not treated me well. They would expect me to do things with them on their timetable, show up late when we had made plans, occassionally criticized for miniscule things.

And I let them treat me like that. Why? Because mistreatment was usually followed by a string of compliments. I really liked hearing all these good things about myself (who doesn't?), and so even though I deserved better, the compliments made me like putty, and all was forgotten.

Resolution: Recognize that you deserve better
I can't speak for everyone, obviously, only myself. But I have learned that no matter how much I feel/think I NEED that person to be my friend, and as scary as it may be to let the friendship go (will another friend come along???) being used, criticized, etc. simply isn't worth it. And I found as I believed that about myself, that I deserved better, the easier it was to attract those who would be a good friend to me. Not easy, but doable!!!

Questions??? Comments???

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Unhealthy Friendships

Friendships are, I believe, a crucial part of life, well-being, etc. However, forming healthy, lasting relationships can also be easier said than done! For me, at least in the beginning, friendship requires concious thought, rethinking and relearning. Due to the brain injury, it can be harder to read social cues, have social anxiety, etc creates challenges in forming friendships. BUT..... While I'm no expert, I have learned a few things along the way and I would like to share them with you. Perhaps, they will be of use to you, as well!!!!

First, I had a lot to learn about what defines a healthy/unhealthy relationship. Because I struggled making friends for so many years, I came to believe that anyone who was willing to be my friend, was a good friend. After all, who knew if/when another friend would come along? As a result, I would let myself be used by peers, get myself into an unhealthy relationship.

Learning as I went along, I began to discover red flags of an unhealthy relationship. Red Flag #1: friend wants you to do everything with them, on their schedule. Example: I had been thinking about joining a gym for fun, but money was tight. My friend, who admitted, she was overweight, also wanted to join a gym. She offered to pay my gym fees for me, but on one condition, that "whenever I go to the gym, you have to go with me." Um, no thanks.

How to get out of this red flag? Trust Yourself. And your instincts. Because I had treated myself as if I needed anyone to be a friend, those close to me had learned to see me that way as well. So, when I did voice my concerns to others, they saw it as her "being a good friend." But in my gut, I knew something wasn't quite right and so in time that led me to end the relationship.

Your thoughts or experiences are welcome!!!!

Next blog: more friendship red flags and resolutions.... stay tuned!!!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Importance of Being Aware

Lately, I've been learning a lot about myself, being aware of what works, what doesn't, etc. These can be difficult lessons to learn at times but I have found some ways to make the learning easier because I've found these lessons to be very valuable!

For me, the best time for learning comes when my routine is "off" The next is to "stop and think." For example, on nights when I expect to sleep well but instead wake up in the middle of the night. I pause to consider my routine. "What did I do/not do before bed? What is happening tomorrow? Are any of these things enough to keep me awake?"

Sometimes the answer surprises me. For example, a sink with a few dirty dishes or some clothes on the closet floor may not seem like much but I have learned that even a minor mess can lead me to go to bed feeling "unfinished" and then I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to clean and "finish the job" Thus, I'm more motivated to do a basic clean-up before going back to bed.

I have also learned what effects my hobbies/exercise habits. I love to run and until a couple months ago, did most of my running inside on my treadmill. This was due to winter, rain, full-time work, etc. Then I started running outside with some friends a couple times a week. Now that school is out for the summer/more free time, I expected to get a lot of treadmill time in. Nope! Now that the weather is (getting warmer) and I've been running outside more, my treadmill has become unappealing to me! I still want/need the exercise but now I plan my schedule for outside runs.

So, final things to consider- your routine: what is typical/what is not? When things are off, what do you want/need to change?
It's not necessarily easy but becoming more aware about yourself can really pay off. Happy learning!!!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Embarrassment and Appreciation

In recent, I became aware of certain behaviors that I wanted/needed to change. Certain degress of this behavior did affect other people. No one was hurt or offended by my behaviors, I wasn't in danger, etc., I just became more aware and wanted to change.

My initial reaction(s) was embarrassment-that I could have acted in such a way, not known better, made better choices, etc. What followed was some definite "alone time" of a couple days without pressures of being around other people, possible judgements, etc. I needed to be alone with myself and my thoughts and assess where I was at, where I wanted to go and how I wanted to get there. At moments, the embarrassment did feel painful, although not all-consuming.

BUT....as I began to be brave and make changes, venture out of my comfort zone, I noticed some things. (1)I wasn't embarrassed anymore! (2)As I had changed, moved on, etc. I could look back and reflect with a MUCH greater appreciation for where I was currently, because I knew so well where I had been!

Life is full of adventures- in learning and otherwise!!!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Something that helps me sleep

I've long had the thought that my bed is the MOST comfortable when I have to get out of it-to wake up, go to work, etc. It felt like a bed from a hotel-soft, comfortable, warm, etc. However, when laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, or trying to go back to sleep, my bed felt much less comfortable!

Essentially, my mind felt like a giant stopwatch- "if I go to bed by this time, then i'll get 3 hours of sleep. If i don't fall asleep until this time, I'll only get 2 1/2 hrs of sleep." I had a LOT of anxiety about "what if I don't get enough sleep?" In my mind, lack of sleep would set off a chain of events for the next day-I'd be ornery, wouldn't want to do as much, wouldn't eat as well, etc. So by the time I'd built all this up in my mind, I'd made it much harder to go to sleep!!!!

Eventually it clicked in my mind that the bed felt so comfortable when I woke up, was the SAME bed I used to go to sleep! So now, when I'm trying to get to sleep, I give myself a pep talk of sorts. I tell myself that it's OK if I don't go to sleep right away. I tell myself that in the meantime I'll enjoy my big, soft pillow, my silky sheets, the blanket that my grandma made years ago. And yes, if you happen to be in my room when I'm going to sleep you really will hear me saying these things to myself!

The point is that by focusing more on how comfortable my bed feels, I feel more relaxed and I'm able to get to sleep. I even discovered that I enjoy the process of relaxing in my bed while trying to fall asleep!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Relaxing Feels Good

Recently, I was hit with a bad cold and fever, taking two days off of work.

  • And all though I felt particularly crummy at times, wishing I could breathe and hear better, I had few complaints. Why? Because I had two days with just one goal-relax. I'm not the world's best relaxer but I do believe that relaxation is a goal, an action. Before my anxiety was reduced (still a work in progress) I would kind of relax but it was more of just "passing time," a lot of time, until the anxiety went away. I didn't necessarily enjoy it, for example 2 straight hours of watching tv and nothing else.


  • But when I do have a goal, time set aside to "relax," it's different. I have a book I want to read, a movie I want to watch, a walk I want to take, etc. I feel refreshed after I deliberately relax. It gives me the clarity of thought to figure out "what next?" Another advantage for me of having a goal of relaxing is that I put myself first.


  • It also really felt good for those two days to have my sole goals to be "taking care of self," and no one else. To feel that it was OK to only focus on myself for awhile.

  • With what I have learned I am now more motivated to schedule and create time for myself with just one goal-relaxing. Not just relax when I am sick, but consistently. Because it really does feel good!!!!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Less Anxiety==More Time

In the past couple months or so I recognized I had a harder time "staying the course" Not staying SO down so much of the time, sticking to working/completing my goals. I would go along fine but when a bump in the road would, I would tend to just want to quit. Completely. Lately I have been working to reduce my anxiety through medication, Neurofeedback, and lifestyle changes. It is a work in progress, but the more my anxiety is reduced the more I learn about life and myself. Namely that less anxiety means more time. Time to do something for myself and more productive time. Anxiety can be a silent and stealthy robber. Without being fully aware of it, it caused to waste a lot of time watching tv, laying around, facebooking, etc. All of these things have their place, I'm not suggesting that every moment of the day needs be scheduled and structured. For me, the bigger picture was WHY I was wasting some much time not wanting to really engage in much. It was the anxiety was so potent that it made much harder to focus on things and I didn't want to focus so much on things that took time, energy and effort. Instead, I wanted to just "pass the time," and "entertain"myself. And watching tv can go by very quickly!!!! As I continue with treatment and lifestyle changes it is amazing to me how much more motivation and time I have now! To engage in activities that I not only want to do but that are constructive/productive. A lot more opportunities/goals have opened up to me now that I had forgotten about before. It's very much a work in progress but for now...... it's all good!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Recently I had a fun but busy weekend which left a lot of dishes to be washed, tasks to be done, items to be put away in my apartment. When I woke up on Sunday morning in the middle of the night, I immediately knew why. I didn't have order! Granted, I was sleeping in my bedroom, away from the clutter in the living room and kitchen, but my brain still sensed that there was clutter and things undone. In this case, I did a minimal 3:00am cleanup and promptly went back to bed! But to me, this is a classic example of how clutter can and does throw a person off. When there's more clutter than order I can feel myself stress/tense up. It throws me off and I have to take a few minutes to decided I want/need to do next. Here a some strategies that have helped me find and create more order in my life: -clean up before I go to bed. Not deep cleaning but things like hanging up clothes, loading the dishwwasher, filing bills I paid earlier -have a quiet hour without the cell phone, ipod, laptop or tv. Schedule permitting. -consistently get books from the library. I find that I am often attracted to technology for the desire to be "entertained" However, reading a new book can motivate to break away from the technology. So can trying a new recipe These strategies are hit and miss, trial and error. But when I do consistently engage in "orderly behavior" I CAN tell the difference. I am less stressed/tense. I sleep better and exercise more. I'm happier and more productive. What behaviors or strategies have helped you to find/create order in your life?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Not Enough Frosting-An Analogy in Perfectionism

Several years ago I was having dinner with friends I hadn't seen in awhile and I was asked to bring a desert for the dinner. I had a new recipe for a square layer cake I wanted to try. The cake turned out beautifully and deliciously, but then it came time to frost the cake, and I only had enough frosting for three sides.......

Panicked (a non-fully frosted cake isnt' perfect after all!!!!) I tried calling the neighbors in my apt complex to see if they had frosting, tried to make my own chocolate frosting, steal frosting from the other layers, etc. None of these worked and the harder I tried to "fix" the cake, the worse it looked and the more frustrated I got. Finally, I wrapped the whole thing in foil and put in the fridge hoping this would help me to just "leave it alone."

At some point in time, I did start thinking, "Does this really matter???" No, not really. Yes, the cake wouldn't be "perfect" but my friends would still be glad to see me! Would they judge me by my dessert? No, they would just be glad that I brought a dessert of some kind.

There are definitely times and situations that "do matter" in life. For example, doing your taxes. But much like I had to ask myself while trying to finish frosting a cake, "Does this really matter???" The majority of the time, it doesn't! I try to remind to look at the bigger picture.

For example, I generally don't stress about the "perfect gift" for someone- the more important picture is that I got them a gift, I did put time, thought and energy into it and so if they don't like it, too bad for them! Like with the cake, the more important picture was being with my friends and supplying some form of dessert.

So, when faced with a stressful situation remember to ask yourself, does this really matter???? You might find yourself surprised at the answer!

Recognize and Celebrate Your Strengths

Today I have been thinking about the importance of recognizing and celebrating your strengths. Especially those that may seem smaller, less significant, etc. It's all about what you CAN do.
The same adage is true for me, as well! As an example and to perhaps get you thinking, here are some "small strengths" I have learned about myself.......

-I make really good Rice Krispie treats. (Seriously, I do. They even earned a chunk of money at a silent auction once.....) They may be simple, easy, traditional, etc but the point is that I CAN make them well. Celebrating this means I can make something that I like, that turns out and that I can then share with those I know and love

-My memory. It does not apply to directions, tests, etc but it does apply to people. I am fortunate to remember details about people-names of their siblings, trips they've been on, favorite foods, etc. This allows to engage in conversations with people about things impt to them, indicates to them that I am interested in their life.

-Playing with children/teaching moments: behavior mgt is NOT my strength as a teacher. But one thing I can do well is have teaching moments with children. During lunch time we can discuss shape, color, texutre, etc of the food. If they are building with blocks, I am able to ask open-ended questions that further more discussion, rather than just "yes" or "no"

What are some strengths you have discovered about yourself????

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Have a Strategy in Place

So.... it's been awhile since I updated this blog. Sorry about that. But it is a new month, with new goals and new energy!

Lately I have learned the impt of having a strategy in place for when life is frustrating, overwhelming, disappointing, etc. Something that when I think to myself, "What am I going to do now to regroup, get through this, etc," I can have an answer!

Obviously each individual needs to find their own but there are some that have worked for me
-a long walk or run
-reading a book that I enjoy, nothing too intense
-spending time with my nieces and nephews
-talking wtih a good friend

I feel the importance is not so much "what" the strategy is but just that it really is "in place" It saves me time and energy from thinking, "What am I going to do now????" when I can act. And the more time I spend utilizing those strategies, the more natural they come and they more successful they are for me.

What strategies have been successful for you in the more challenging times in life??? I would love to hear your ideas!!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Enjoy the Ride

When I recollect on the advice I've gotten over the years from friends, families, associates, dr's, etc one of the most common has been "Enjoy the Ride!" At least for me, MUCH easier than done. But I gained some recent insight that adage recently.....

Ups and downs in life WILL happen. First of all, I can't keep them from coming. I can't "brace myself" for "what may come" and my best actions cannot prevent the downs from coming/happening. Ultimately, life will happen, I don't need to "help it along!!!!" By worrying or trying to avoid.

Second, good things WILL also happen without my intense planning/anticipating. I can't control everything I want to have happen nor do I need to!!!! Life can surprise you. Pleasantly.

So for now, I try to "relax and enjoy the ride"! And if I had a dollar for everytime I said that to myself during the day, I could really bring in the dough! But everytime I say it to myself, it gets a little easier as well........

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Small Change

I believe that in living with a brain injury, self-awareness is a crucial factor in success, growth, well-being, etc. Recently I became aware of a small change I needed to make in my own life. The opponent: the television. It wasn't as though I was a couch potato 24/7, with a full-time job, physically and socially active. And though I did watch a fair amount, my main concern was "when" I was choosing to veg out and watch tv.

I noticed it especially occuring when I was stressed and/or anxious, as a way to "pass the time" until I could go to bed, the moment passed, etc. I also noticed I especially watched when I wasn't sure what else to do with my time. Sort of like my brain (and I) didn't want to go through the process of "what should I do now?"

I am by no means trying to axe television watching. There have been many times when the vegging out with a shoe has been a useful strategy for me. But I was curious to see if I could reduce the amount of tv time. Truthfully, I wasn't sure if I could! But I set out with just one goal: before I sat down to watch tv, take a couple of minutes and figure out if there was something else I needed/wanted to do instead. To help me with this goal I made sure I had cookbooks with new recipes (to occupy my time cooking) new books from the library, and a couple of other activities.

It took some time but I did begin to see results! I noticed that making the change wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. I noticed that I could manage activities, phases, etc without having the tv on. (ie when I was cooking dinner) I found my motivation to watch tv decreased and I didn't feel the "buzz" in my head/body after I knew I'd had a noise/stimulation overdose. I found more things I enjoyed doing or needed to get done. Also, I found that since tv wasn't an automatic time filler, the times when I did watch tv, I enjoyed it so much more!

Any small change success stories you would like to share? Strategies, ideas that helped you???

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Breaks-An additonal example

To follow-up on the last blog post ("needing and taking breaks") here is additional example. From Christmas 3 or so years ago, events recalled to the best of my ability.... I love this example because I think it illustrates so well the "need" to communicate and the benefits of doing so!

It had been a good Christmas day. It was just me and my parents, my siblings were all with their own families or in-laws. We opened gifts, then took lots of gifts to the family we'd "sponsored" for Christmas. Had fun delivering gifts, visiting with them, and playing with the kids. Then onto Grandpa's house for Mom and Dad to deliver and install the new tv they'd gotten him for Christmas. I think I fell asleep on the floor for a few minutes until my Dad woke me up to ask me if the ice skater on tv was Michelle Kwan. (That part I DO remember)

We headed back home, late afternoon, delivering a few last minute neighbor gifts and I was hoping for some "alone time" to read the new book I'd gotten that morning. So when my Mom got a call that my brother and family were coming over to visit I was a bit disappointed..... I loved spending time with them but it had just been a busy, emotional day and I was done for a while. And in my mind, with people coming over, there were "behavior expectations" Which I didn't think sitting in your room alone aligned with....

I got pretty quiet in the car and somehow it came that it wasn't that I didn't want them to come over, I just needed a break! And once that was out, that was it. My mom understood and I wasn't keeping it inside. I don't think I spent more than 20 minutes or so alone in my room, reading, but I did get a break. And because of the communication there was little if any misunderstanding. My mom knew that I wanted to be alone because I needed a break, not because I was upset, depressed, otherwise distressed. I knew that i had as much time as I needed to regroup without having to "hurry" and rejoin the gathering.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Needing/Getting a Break

For me, one of the effects of living with a brain injury is that I am more easily overwhelmed and overstimulated. As such I like to, need to take breaks. (the rationale for taking breaks varies) More importantly, I like to know "when" the break is coming. Sometimes I get anxious if I don't when there will be a "break," an "out," etc.

The situations vary. For example, in the middle of the workday, I can excuse myself to get a drink, a bathroom break, but I can't just say, "I'm done now,"and leave my assistant and students to fend for themselves. I understand that those kind of situations are just part of life! And I need to adapt to it the best I can.

But there are times when a break is an option, and I have learned some strategies that have made that break transition easier. I'll use the example of spending the holidays at home with my parents (their home, not mine). Since it is a break from my work, my main goal tends to be relaxation. Sleep in, read, chill, watch tv, etc. However, sometimes my Mom (or my Dad) needs my help with things around the house or other to-do holiday tasks. And that's OK! I like to help. But I also like to know about breaks, what the schedule for the day will roughly look like.

And so, I ask. I ask my Mom what she thinks she might need my help with that day and when she thinks she might need it. I tell her the things I want to get done that day and so we can work it out for both of us. I'm more relaxed, I feel like I know more about what I am getting into and I know what I have to look forward to. I also know that it's less likely that I will have just fallen asleep and suddenly something else comes up.

Again, this does not apply to all scenarios in life. But I have found that when there is some flexibility, asking can go a long way!

Your thoughts????

Monday, January 17, 2011

Behavior Expectations

The day I went back to work after the Holiday break I was giving myself a pep talk-that my student would be wound up, might forget what to do, etc. Basically that it would be a rough couple of days but get through it. Well, I was pleasantly surprised that I had a great week with my preschoolers-and I believe I know a big part of the reason why!

I took a lot of time those first few days to teach and reteach behavior expectations. To remind them how we sit at the "circle" how we walk down the halls with hands to ourselves (more or less) I told them, I modeled, we practiced, etc. Pictures/photos are also an effective teaching tool! I was reminded that children want to do what's expected of them, the key is do they know and understand what is expected of them??? And equally impt, can they perform that behavior?

As a child, I remember going on outings such as plays, concerts, etc and afterwards asking my Mom, "Was I good? Was I good????" I wanted very much to achieve "being good" and wanted to know what "good" looked like and acted like.

As an adult I can still find myself wanting to perform the desired behavior. One of the biggest challenges for me is when the expectations are much looser! I know that might not make sense, isn't it easier when there's less expectations? But in my case, there's less of a guide to follow. And for many years, even now at times, behavior expectations/being good has kind of been "my thing," what I relied on to be OK, to do a good job. Now I have to rely on myself to determine what I want, what's impt to me, and then try to mesh it with the expectations that are present, limited or not.

And as I further learn and explore this idea, one day at a time.....
Have you experienced similar feelings? What was your experience like? Your questions and comments are welcome!

Not Everyone Thinks Like I Do!!!!

I think the title of this post says it all, but..... no matter how many times I learn this, and then re-learn and remember this statement, it is worth it! Remembering can bring a sense of calm and perspective. It can help you to pause and think things through. Perhaps, most importantly, it can help prevent you (or at least me!) from saying things or taking actions that you may later on wish you'd done differently.

I believe this is harder for someone with a brain injury. The logic of my opinion is that it is simply harder to think abstractly, to consider options, etc. My brain can think quite well on a one-way street, in a black and white world! Going beyond that is not necessarily easy! Even though the world and people in it and are not full of black and white, and one-way streets.

But I am recommitting myself to remembering that.... Not Everyone Thinks Like I Do!!!!!

Friday, January 14, 2011

A Lot Like You and Me

Dear Blog Readers,


Here is some more (generic) information about me....


Favorite TV shows: CSI:NY, The Biggest Loser, Man vs Food, Chopped (from the food network)

Favorite Foods: I dont' really have a favorite but I will eat anything except for radishes, beets, grapefruit, green olives. For real.

Favorite Movies: I love black and white classics (the philadelphia story) and movies based on real life (remember the titans)

Things I like to do: exercise, cook, read, hike, blog, take naps, karaoke parties with my friends, shopping on a bargain (I'm all about the clearance racks, people!).


I like to wear: high heels, jewelry, carry a bright colored purse, but love my sweats and sneakers equally as much! I also like to walk around my house wrapped up in a blanket (don't know why)

My personality is: more quirky than polished, and that's OK. I love laughing and making people laugh with spontaneous one-liners. The more I know you, the funnier/relaxed I am.

My family: is LARGE. I'm the youngest of several sibling and have 4x as many nieces and nephews. It has its ups and downs but being an aunt so many times over brings me a lot of joy.

I am: sometimes impatient with life-I tend to take action faster than I need to instead of letting things play out. Caring about other people and try to remember things that are impt to them. I am incredibly determined-I love exceeding expectations and proving people wrong.

I am learning: To give myself more "quiet time" and my own best friend and advocate. To trust myself.

I get concerned with: money/bills, maintaining relationships, having people like me, having a balanced life.

I hope for: improve on my 1/2 marathon time, to buy my first car, write a book based on my blog, get married and have my own children.

The point of this blog was not just an excuse to talk about myself, but rather to make a point. That those with a brain injury, in many cases are a lot like you and me. Having similar likes and dislikes, having hopes and dreams and frustrations. So if you have sustained a brain injury like me, perhaps reading this can help you find something we have in common. Or for a parent reading this maybe this will provide some insight into simply living with a brain injury.

Enjoy! Thoughts, comments, questions, etc are welcome and encouraged! I really do see this blog as an "open book" so please feel free to ask questions or leave comments!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Slow and Steady

Last month, I participated in my 3rd annual sightseeing roadtrip and 10k race. My goal for the race was 54 minutes, besting my PR of 58:05 (though I was very happy with my end time of 57 minutes). A couple of friends came along for the trip, one of them just having completed amazing weight loss and had just participated in her first race a 5k, a week prior. Whereas I have been running for going on 3 years and this was my 6th 10k. (It's my ego coming out.....)

I was thrilled for her success with a time of 1:04:7, but I admit I was surprised, particularly when she said she hadn't needed to stop the whole race. (I didn't stop much, but I did stop occassionally) Intrigued by her success, I asked her how she did it. "Slow and steady," was her response.

A couple weeks later, I decided I wanted to do my 2nd 1/2 marathon in April and really train/prepare for it this time. The first step: practice running slower. It seems kind of counterproductive for race training. After all the goal isn't usually to see how slow you can finish! I had to force myself to maintain a slow pace, but the more I stuck with it, I discovered some things. I felt a lot better running slower, I could run for much longer without needing to stop and most importantly, I was having more fun doing it!!!!

How does this apply to life? All brain injuy effects are not equal, but a definite side effect for me is that I tend to have a habit of "barreling through life" not taking enough time to slow down, stop, think, and most importantly appreciate where I am instead of just thinking, "what's next???" As I discovered with running, the more I slow down in life, my choices and emotions are steadier and there is more fun to be had!

Perhaps the most important point is that I have gone from gunning for a 10 minute mile to embracing a 12 minute mile. And I am completely OK with that.
Think about it......

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Consequences of Clutter

Clutter is one of the fastest things to overwhelm me, throw me off, etc. Not that I can't function in clutter, but it throws me off, distracts me and makes it harder to focus on what I need to be doing..... For real. Clutter can come in different forms, too much "stuff" in a given place, like a closet, clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink, stacks of papers, etc.

Here's a few tips I have found to deal with the "consequences of clutter"
-Keep the closet door closed. I have a large walk in closet and though it stays organized (for the most part) it's full of "stuff" I have found that if I keep the door closed unless I need to go in the closet, it helps!
-Give things away- to friends, family, charities, thrift stores, etc. Purging items is helpful, but I feel better about giving it away if I know it's helping to fullfill a need

-Clean up my apt before I go to bed. Put away random items in the living room, load the dishwasher, fold clothes from the dryer, hang up clothes I wore that day, etc. It may sound like a lot, but I find that if I just get in and get it done, it's worth it and it gets done fast! I sleep better knowing that it's done, and then I wake up more relaxed in the morning without thinking/seeing what I need to do before I leave for work.
-Make things easy to put away. Cleaning up after myself is half the battle! But the easier it is to put it away, the more likely I am to do it, the better I feel!

-Think before I buy. Plan and buy only groceries I need (too much food makes me feel overwhelmed and somewhat anxious-using it up before it goes bad) Think what "pleasure" items I buy (books, clothes, shoes, etc) and do I have space for it? For example, if there's not room for another pair of shoes on my shoe rack, I need to consider donating a pair to charity.

Your thoughts? What has helped YOU to control the clutter? Has it been a challenge for you, as well? Your thoughts are welcome and encouraged!!!!