Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt

I tend to be determined and independent, sometimes slow to ask for help, sometimes going to great lengths to do it on my own; which sometimes just creates more work for me! Thankfully, there are times when I do recognize that I do need help, there are people that I can appropriately ask for help, etc.  However, until recently I often had the attitude that while people did not mind helping me out, they felt obligated to do or circumstances compelled them to do it.

My Grandma had similar challenges and feelings.  When I was growing up, she missed a lot of personal and family activities because she was so afraid of inconveniencing someone to help her get there and back or offer some other form of assistance. It is also worthy to note that this was not how I saw relationships with other people! I did not attend friends birthdays celebrations because I felt I had to or listen to friends because I had nothing else better to do.  I did not treat them with kindness or help them out because I was "just being nice to them." 

One day it clicked for me and I realized that my being the recipient of service, kindness, friendship was because people wanted to do so!  They weren't feeling pushed into it, humoring me, simply bored, etc. They simply cared about me as a person and wanted to help when the opportunity came.  I was relaying this to my sister one day.  We have had many conversations over the years and she is a master at validating my feelings, comforting me, and guiding me in the problem solving process. We have also had many fun conversations, just catching up and enjoying each other! However, often times I have been really concerned with taking up too much of her time, bothering her, etc.   I explained to her that I had realized that she really did want to have those conversations with me. And they were sincere conversations.

She said something that stuck with me. She said, "Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt." I realized that it really was not fair to not trust others or to assume things about them that really weren't true.  For example, to assume that they really were not interested or wanting to listen or help but they felt obligated or were humoring.  I realized I had created skewed ideas that were out of touch with the reality of the situation.  I decided i want to more fully enjoy and be grateful to be the recipient of love, service and friendship and not weigh myself down with assumptions and/or anxiety.

Your feedback is welcome! Thoughts? Questions?

Accepting Feedback

A couple times in the past month I recieved tactful feedback from good friends of mine about behaviors I was engaging that were not to my advantage..... My behaviors were not being percieved as I thought they were...... I won't go into details here but their feedback was valid!

My first thought? Embarrassment.  How could I engage in that kind of behavior? Didn't I know/do better? Would they remember that feedback the next time we went out?  I was reminding myself that we ALL make mistakes, have painful learning experiences but at those moments, I couldn't think of any others shortcoming. I only felt my own shortcomings. And I really did feel them! By the way, looking back it was probably not the kindest action to try to think of/remember others mistakes/shortcomings!

However, sooner rather than later I learned some important lessons. Ultimately, I felt glad and relieved to have that feedback. How glad I was to know now so that I didn't have to wait longer to adjust my behaviors, or carry them on longer and continue to be unaware of the message I was sending!  I felt grateful to have friends that cared enough to be honest and tactful with me and help me to become better.

I also realized that I couldn't remember moments of being aware of others shortcomings because I simply did not remember! I think I assumed that people remember a lot about those painful moments, that they are just as aware as I am in the moment and will be aware in the future, as well.  However, chances are they do not give it another thought once the moment has passed. 

Painful but truly important lessons to learn! \
Your feedback is welcome! Questions? Comments?