To Fear- or Not to Fear???

In preparing these blog posts, I often go back through past journal entries and e-mails. In this case, I came upon a conversation I had with the day after I had lost my job. At this point, I was halfway through to getting my teaching license. But I thought that if I had lost a teaching job again, maybe it would be best if I just called it quits! Anyway, the recounting as follows:

"Today I was talking with "Elizabeth" and I told her that I was thinking of quitting the licensure program. She asked, 'WHY- when you are already halfway through?!?!' The only reason I could give her was 'Because I'm scared' And is fear really a good enough reason???" (Thanks, Elizabeth for such a simple, yet clear question!)

Goals and dreams are not identical for anyone who has sustained a brain injury,or for people in general. And that's a good thing. If we all had similar circumstances and dreams life would be a lot more dull! But I believe the idea "is fear really a good enough reason?" Can be applied to all in a variety of situations. Besides, who wants to live with the thought of "what if, what if I had tried?"

Something to think about.

A Lesson in Feedback

Shortly after I lost my job I learned a valuable lesson about feedback. In discussing the events with a good friend, the question was posed, "Did you get feedback?" I was somewhat defensive in my response of, "Well, of course I did! And I did, to a degree. I had asked questions of my supervisor when I didn't think things had gone well. Questions such as, "I don't think that went well. What do you think? What should I fix?" However, it's not enough just to get feedback, you also need to SEEK feedback. Seek feedback by asking questions such as, "Where do you think I could improve? What would you like me to work on?" In essence, find trouble before trouble finds you! I'm not saying that this kind of feedback is easy to seek or to accept. But the value of having that kind of feedback, for me, cannot be overstated!



Seeking feedback also means getting help. When I started my current job, I set my expectations too high and wanted to do everything perfectly. Not possible! Because my expectations were so high, I rarely asked for help, assuming that I should have been able to figure it out on my own and I was afraid to admit my shortcomings. However, since I never asked for help, I never improved and nearly quit my job! Thankfully, as I was exploring my options, my employers wanted to see me be successful and succeed so they allowed me to work alongside an experienced teacher for the rest of the school year, so I could learn what it was I was supposed to be doing! This was a move that I will always be grateful for, one that perpetuated further success.....

Dreams Come True- A Lesson in Resilience

So, to pick up where the last blog left off..... Although I had a BS degree, I had no teaching license, making it very difficult to get a decent paying job. So I ended up going back to school for my license. I never planned to go back to school, I was motivated mostly out of necessity...... I also needed a job to pay for school so I was fortunate to find a job as an aide in special education classroom working with students grades 4-6. I enjoyed it and ultimately learned a lot, but my skills were not where they needed to be by the end of the year and I learned that the school would not be renewing my contract.



Much like with student teaching, this was an unexpected blow to me. It felt like I had "failed" again, (wasn't one time enough?) and I wanted to quit. It did not seem fair at all that I was making a new start again. I had a sense of depression that I had not known before; where I didn't really care about eating, my friends, doing things I enjoyed. I wanted to care about those things, I just couldn't quite do it. Nighttime was the hardest because I felt like, "Well, I made it through this day but when I go to bed then tomorrow begins and then what????"



There were things that helped,though. I got encouragement from a good friend to get some exercise and though exercise was the last thing I wanted to do at the time (seriously) eventually I saw logic and a long walk really did help! Babysitting my sister's 2 children was also effective because it gave me something to do, a need to fill, and something that I really wanted to do.



Coincidentally, the same day I lost my job I ran into a friend who informed that they were hiring at her work, an education setting different from a public school setting. Again, a step in resiliency was needed. A public school setting had been my "dream" but dreams change, and ultimately this one was for the best! This was the setting where I am currently employed but that one almost didn't pan out either.... Thankfully, I learned some important lessons along the way that I am still applying today!

Dreams Come True- A Lesson in Gratitude

Dream #2- Being a Teacher



I don't know that I'd ever considered another profession other than teaching. Nothing else quite made as much sense to me even when I was young.



There was an interesting road that led up to my acceptance into the education program for my B.S. degree and subsequently to the student teaching semester. (More about that another time.) But finally the semester arrived. I had lots of nerves about student teaching but I also felt I'd had a successful pre-student teaching semester and there was a lot I was excited about. Especially having been a child with disabilities I wanted SO much to use my experiences to help other children.



About 2 weeks or so into the program I was informed that the program had "concerns" about me and didn't know if I could/would pass student teaching. This was a shock to my system and so began what felt like a living nightmare; trying to do the day-to-day requirements and at the same time trying to "save" my teaching career. It wasn't for lack of trying or necessarily lack of skill. But the brain injury was a factor. In a classroom of approx 25 students on my own it was very hard for me to stay focused and not get overwhelmed and "shut down." And there was only so much I could do to offset the consequences of the brain injury.



I rarely slept more than 5 hrs a night even with sleep aids and I was so distressed that I greeted each new day by throwing up. Lovely. 3 weeks later when I was informed that I was failing student teaching and it was reccomended that I leave the program; it was a relief to be done with student teaching!



However, while I was relieved to be done with teaching and I did have a back-up plan (I already had plans to teach English abroad for a year) there was still a feeling like the bottom had fallen out from under me, like my promise for the future was gone. I would still get my BS degree but no teaching licensce, which is crucial to get a good teaching job!



When I think about a lesson from this experience, what comes to mind foremost is gratitude. Despite a huge bump in the road I still had much to be grateful for! Even if I didnt' fully know it at the time! I now had more time during my last semester at school. I had more time to spend with my Grandma and finish writing her life history. (Coincidentally she passed away while I was teaching abroad). I had more time to spend with my family and friends. Throughout the whole semester, my rommmates were fantastic, consistently supporting me with and without my asking. My previous campus job took me back immediately so I had something to occupy my time and wasn't financially distressed. I was free from the stress of student teaching!



Bumps in the road are inevitable. Bumps can be really painful! But I have found that being grateful while negotiating the bumps helps make the ride a little smoother and it helps you create good memories during an otherwise undesirable time you would not have chosen.



Today I do enjoy a teaching license and an enjoyable and successful teaching job. But before I could get to that point, I was let go from another teaching position, and then it nearly happened again. I wanted to quit many, many times and at times life seemed so unfair. But it's all good now! Stay tuned for how it got to this point......

Dreams Come True- A Lesson in Taking Risks

I believe that dreams are universal to human nature. The act of dreaming, planning, growing, achieving, etc. can be soothing and rewarding to the soul.

I've had dreams of my own, as well. Here is a sampling of those from my teenage/young adult years.



-Play on the school basketball team/do something athletically coordinated

-Have a group of friends

-Be a Teacher

-Get a 4.0

I decided to break up this blog idea into 4 posts, one for each dream, and a lesson to go along with it. Here is the first one.....

In middle school I really wanted to get into sports like my peers. I was tired of being the last kid chosen for teams, tired of getting "special help" when I couldn't do the skills. I wanted to feel really "good" at something athletically coordinated. I also struggled socially and REALLY wanted to be part of a team, thinking that would help me to fit in. The sport I chose was basketball and I planned to try out for the middle school team. For weeks I practiced with my brother- running, passing, dribbling, shooting. I got basketball shoes and the right clothes. But when the tryouts came I didn't even make it past the first day. Perhaps it had something to do with not being able to make a free throw..... I still liked to play, and I did, off and on, but basically put it aside.

Fast forward about 13 years. I had been doing a lot of walking, exercising, a few 5k races. But mostly just walking. I was set against running. Then some of my friends were going on an in-state road trip to see the sights and do a 10k (6.2 miles) race. I had never done a 10k before, was not necessarily prepareed for one (and I am by no means advocating running a race with little preparation) but I really wanted to go with my friends! So I took the risk.

And after my first race didn't kill me, I was hooked and I've been running ever since. I've done a half-marathon (plan to do more) and several 10k races. I've learned, I've grown, I've triumphed, I've improved my running. But if I never took the risk of running that race in the first place I would have missed all that! I also have several friends that I run with and so that fills the need for a "team" sport.

Am I fantastic runner? Not necessarily but I am very proud of my 10k time of 58:05! I don't focus on beating anyone but myself so even if I think I may come in towards the end I take the risk and do it anyway! My next risk is doing a relay race- doing 4 legs of race, each leg could be 4+ miles. I can't wait!

Next time you are considering a dream, don't let the risks weigh you down. (This advice is for me as well!) The old saying is true; "You never know unless you try!" It may not pan out in the beginning as was the case with my basketball dream, but keep trying and stay open to the opportunities regardless of the risks. You never know what could happen!

What are some of YOUR dreams and risks/successes? I would love to hear about them! You can leave anonymous comments if you want to, and as always you are welcome to ask any questions, offer feedback, etc. Thanks!

There's Tomatoes in Ketchup?!?!

One night when I was about 9, and my sister, 12, we decided to beat our boredom with a game. We took random bottles and jars out of the pantry and quizzed each other on "Guess the Ingredients!" Quite a clever game I think......

I did pretty well until I had to guess the ingredients for ketchup. I got all the ingredients except one. Tomatoes. I had no idea that tomatoes were the main ingredient in ketchup!

Why am I telling you a story about my childhood? For me, it illustrates how my brain functions in various situations- trying to put it all together, make sense of it but often missing the "main point/ingredient." Here are a couple of examples

School assignments/tests: I poured lots of time and energy into studying and doing homework, but I rarely got above a "B" It was very hard for me to grasp the main point of the assignment/what the teacher was looking for OR I could quote definitions/examples for a textbook, but had no idea how they fit into the main ideas for a test.
Another example- When there was/is a lot to do, it's harder to priortize. To determine the "main ingredient" that needs to be done first, is most important, etc.

Thankfully, there are strategies available to better find the main point/ingredient, etc. Here's some that have worked for me.
School: when possible, turn my asssignments in early for feedback to see what points I am missing, what gaps I need to fill in. When preparing for tests, specifically ask the teacher, "why is this important? How does this fit with the main goal?" Not all teachers have been receptive to this, but many have!
For prioritizing: I put everything to do into the electronic calendar on my phone (just a regular cell phone), often a day before it's due. I check it every morning for what needs to be done and see what I can get done that day. Plus, there's alarms that go off if I forget what needs to be done.

What strategies have worked for you? I welcome any feedback, questions, comments, etc. This is a topic I'm VERY open to discussing, so no need to be hesitant about asking me questions!

Learn by Doing, Not Just by Observing

Recently I had an overnight trip with friends to a relative's cabin. For breakfast the next morning, we made french toast and I shared the following story. It's good for a laugh, but also, I believe a classic example of "how to" teach/guide a child who has sustained a brain injury.

Until I was 18, I did not know that french toast came from bread! I don't know exactly what I thought, I guess in my mind once the batter hit the frying pan, it magically became the same size and thickness as a slice of bread!

One Saturday morning, my Dad thought it would be a good idea if I made the French Toast and give my mom a break. I agreed walked up to the counter and stared at the batter, bread and fying pan. I kept staring until my Mom whispered to my Dad, "I don't think she knows how to do it!"

Truly, I didn't know what to do! And this why. While I had "observed" the making of french toast on, I'm sure multiple occasions, I had never actually done it. Because I had only watched and not interacted, the skill set had not sunk in. With any child, but especially a child with a brain injury, skills need to be taught. When the brain is injured, it does not make automatically make the connections, send the signals to the child that say," This is a time to learn how to do this. Watch what happens. Watch what this person is doing and try to remember."

So, next time you are working with, caring for a child with a brain injury (or really any child in general) and their skills seem "off" ask yourself if you have taught them, if they have done it, been hands on with it. Or if they have only observed. You'll be amazed at the difference!

No Space at the Playdoh Table-An Analogy in Anxiety

One of the favorite activity areas in my classroom is the playdoh table, where children can squeeze, squish, roll and pinch the colored salt dough to their hearts content. However, to maintain control and reduce the amount of fighting and playdoh that ends up on the floor, only six children can be at the playdoh table at one time. When the chairs are full, they need to choose another place to play. To help them remember, there are six brightly colored letters affixed to the table, and six chairs adjacent to those letters. There is also a timer that is set and children are taught that when the timer goes off, it is time to go play in a new area.

Recently, a child was determined to play at the full table no matter what! He would drag a chair over from another table, plop down and go to town! I explained to him that there was space for 6 chairs, each child was in a chair, there was not space for another chair. I showed him the timer, showed him how it was moving closer to zero, and when it rang he would be able to play there. But until he heard the timer, he needed to choose another place to play.

I tried to get him reengaged in a variety of activities- reading books, painting, block building, etc. but the second I turned my back he was back at the table with his chair, ready to play. This was repeated multiple times during a 10 minute period. Such creativity and persistence!

How does this relate to anxiety? While he was so focused on the playdoh, he missed out on a lot of other fun opportunities during that 10 minute wait! Such can be the case with my anxiety-I get so focused on worrying about a situation that I miss out on a lot of other good things while just waiting for things to play out. Just as the timer for playdoh goes off and the situation changes, so it is with anxiety situations. I was trying to think about a situation where my anxiety benefited me- and I couldn't think of a single one!

Anxiety happens-it can't ever be completely avoided. But may we all remember the things we could be missing while we are worrying! And just waiting for the timer to go off.....

How I Go to Sleep

I'm not the best sleeper in the world. I never have been. Difficulty sleeping is common for someone with a brain injury. The typical sleep pattern has been disrupted, The brain does not "self-calm" as a healthy brain would, so it's much more difficult to unwind before going to bed and go back to sleep if you wake up during the middle of the night.



For several months, I was pretty consistently taking 2 tylenol pm's a night. Not my best-ever decision. It wasn't so much that I couldn't fall asleep without them but that the act of going to sleep just seemed like so much "work" and I didn't feel like going through the hassle of it.



However, after much trial and error I have found a routine that works very well for me, allows me to fall asleep on my own without a sleep aid. Here it is:

-Get some form of exercise during the day whether it's running, walking, pilates, etc.

-Run the air conditioner or fan for an hour or so before I go to bed to cool down the bedroom

-Clean up my home (hang up clothes, load the dishwasher, etc. Nothing too big. It's tempting to say I'm too tired and I'll do it in the morning but there's rarely time in the morning! Plus, I'd rather wake up to cleanliness than to clutter and it's one less thing to do when I wake up)



-Write in my journal or make a list of all the things I'm grateful for that day

-Read a book or magazine in the chair by my bed



Finally,I don't get into bed until I'm ready to go sleep. This can be a challenging one. Sometimes I think, "But I have to bed, asleep, by this time to get this much sleep or else," however until I am good and ready to fall asleep, getting into bed has proved somewhat useless for me. I just try to ignore the time and enjoy the book or magazine I'm reading.



This is not foolproof, I still have nights where I sleep less than I would like, nights when I'm wide awake in the middle of the night. I keep a few benadryl on hand for sleep emergencies. But poor nights of sleep have become much less rare since I got into a routine. Find what routine works for you! What have you tried that has been beneficial for you? I would really like to know!

Coordination-Or Lack Thereof

For as long as I can recall hand-eye coordination and myself have not been close friends. Coordination is a common challenge/symptom of one who has sustained a brain injury. There is a lot of brain processing required that requires time and is taxing on the brain. For example, think about trying to catch a football. You have to be aware of where the ball is, position yourself, make any necessary adjustments, all with a matter of seconds. The advice of "keep your eye on the ball!" Is just not advice to compensate for the neurological struggles. It's truly different from the typical human struggle of not being good at sports.

I try to take advantage of opportunities to participate in sports with my friends and I do enjoy, but overall, it's just not my thing! I don't know that I have ever bowled above a 75, I strike out at softball 98% of the time, miss free throws and drop footballs and frisbees. Not trying to be hard on myself, just makng an accurate observation here.

However, something that has been etched in my mind during the years of therapy and overall brain injury is this: there are always options! In my case, getting a group of friends together at the park with some balls is not really for me! But that doesn't mean that I abandon all forms of athleticism and socializing with my friends. I just try new things! And even better, I discover that I can do them well!

For example, I discovered that I love to run, something that requires much less coordination for me. It's allowed me to challenge myself to run the 5k, 10k, 1/2 marathon. To be able to complete 6.2 miles in just 58 minutes-something I am very proud of! And hiking has become an extension of running/walking, a new favorite. I discovered I can do a 17 mile hike in a matter of hours and still feel somewhat human afterwords! And doing those as a means of socialization? Simple. I have friends that I train with and we do races together, or there's a group friends planning a day hike.

The point of this post is not to seek sympathy for my lack of coordination or to get lauded for what skills I do posses. Rather the point is this, when living with a brain injury, don't let challenges trip you up from doing things you enjoy. A challenge doesn't mean that you need to abandon the endeavor, it just means you may need to find another option of doing it! And trust me, they are out there......