Unhealthy Friendships, 2

Part two about unhealthy friendships.....
Brain injury or not, making friends has not necessarily come easy for me. I've had my share of ups and downs which is motivated to write this specific blog post. For anyone who has been in that position, my hope is to share what I have learned, let you know that you are not alone, and to perhaps benefit someone else. Your feedback/experiences are welcome as well!

As in the last blog post, there's red flag for friendship, but also a resolution!
Red Flag: Constant compliments, affirmation
It is no secret to those who know me that I am sucker for sentimentality-I save cards, replay conversations in my head, reread e-mails, etc. And that's OK! However, there can be too much of a good thing...... As previously mentioned, there have been friends who have not treated me well. They would expect me to do things with them on their timetable, show up late when we had made plans, occassionally criticized for miniscule things.

And I let them treat me like that. Why? Because mistreatment was usually followed by a string of compliments. I really liked hearing all these good things about myself (who doesn't?), and so even though I deserved better, the compliments made me like putty, and all was forgotten.

Resolution: Recognize that you deserve better
I can't speak for everyone, obviously, only myself. But I have learned that no matter how much I feel/think I NEED that person to be my friend, and as scary as it may be to let the friendship go (will another friend come along???) being used, criticized, etc. simply isn't worth it. And I found as I believed that about myself, that I deserved better, the easier it was to attract those who would be a good friend to me. Not easy, but doable!!!

Questions??? Comments???

Unhealthy Friendships

Friendships are, I believe, a crucial part of life, well-being, etc. However, forming healthy, lasting relationships can also be easier said than done! For me, at least in the beginning, friendship requires concious thought, rethinking and relearning. Due to the brain injury, it can be harder to read social cues, have social anxiety, etc creates challenges in forming friendships. BUT..... While I'm no expert, I have learned a few things along the way and I would like to share them with you. Perhaps, they will be of use to you, as well!!!!

First, I had a lot to learn about what defines a healthy/unhealthy relationship. Because I struggled making friends for so many years, I came to believe that anyone who was willing to be my friend, was a good friend. After all, who knew if/when another friend would come along? As a result, I would let myself be used by peers, get myself into an unhealthy relationship.

Learning as I went along, I began to discover red flags of an unhealthy relationship. Red Flag #1: friend wants you to do everything with them, on their schedule. Example: I had been thinking about joining a gym for fun, but money was tight. My friend, who admitted, she was overweight, also wanted to join a gym. She offered to pay my gym fees for me, but on one condition, that "whenever I go to the gym, you have to go with me." Um, no thanks.

How to get out of this red flag? Trust Yourself. And your instincts. Because I had treated myself as if I needed anyone to be a friend, those close to me had learned to see me that way as well. So, when I did voice my concerns to others, they saw it as her "being a good friend." But in my gut, I knew something wasn't quite right and so in time that led me to end the relationship.

Your thoughts or experiences are welcome!!!!

Next blog: more friendship red flags and resolutions.... stay tuned!!!

Social Struggles

Having social struggles is nothing new for me. As a child through a teenager, while most of my peers were excitedly awaiting recess and/or lunch break as a chance to see and visit with their friends, I dreaded it. Why? Because it meant a span of time when I would be in large social settings and I would need to find someone to eat with or else be alone. I could usually find someone eat with that I happened to know and wouldn't care if I sat by them. Unfortunately, this typically meant that they wouldn't care if I wasn't there, either.

My lunchtime troubles were elevated my junior year of high school when my family moved to a new country and continent. I don't know that words can adequately describe what it was like to be living so far from home for the first time and attending school in a foreign country. Yet I still managed to thrive in that environment by participating in extracurricular activities. This strategy may not work for everyone, adding one more thing to a schedule might be too overwhelming, but for me it really worked! It led to leadership opportunities, responsibilities during lunchtime and even if my peers and I were not friends outside of club activities it gave us a connection and let me feel like I belonged.

Post-high school I needed a new strategy. I needed support for how to negotiate social situations- what to say, how to react, etc. I asked my sister to become my "social coach" and even today we discuss, we role-play and she gives me feedback, at my request. Recently, I wanted to have dinner with my friends to celebrate my grad school graduation. But the first round of invites brought no results and I was sorely disappointed. With my sisters guidance, new invites were sent out, using a new medium of communication, and nine friends accepted! It was a very sweet moment to go from years of eating alone to have so many friends surrounding me and supporting me.