Focus on What You Can Control

I have a very wise and loving sister, "Elizabeth." We talk about lots of things in life and one piece of advice that has stuck with me over time is "Focus on what YOU can control." Don't waste energy on what you can't change.

So, in light of the previous post, instead of being concerned with being a "good enough" friend I am instead putting my energy into ways that I CAN be a good friend. I can still call, text, send cards and invite them over to dinner.

The advice to "focus on what you can control" has helped me a lot. It applies to many different situations and it gives me new perspective, helps me to focus on the positive and invest my energy into the "doing."

What pieces of advice have been helpful for you????

Choosing Limits

A bit of background, for various reasons, brain injury being a small part of that, I don't have a car of my own to drive. My friends are great at giving me rides, helping me to get places, etc without a word of complaint. I try to be considerate of their schedule, treat them to lunch or dinner, etc.

My friends are also good, kind people who care about one another and want to help them. Recently I heard about several acts of kindness done to friends with the use of a car (ie taking to a dr's appt, bringing them balloons, and more). I felt bad, wishing that I could do more to be a better friend, that I could have more opportunities to show my friends that I cared. (I share this because I know that we all, at one time or another wish we were more, better, etc).

I began to wonder if I was a poor friend, selfish with my time when I could be doing more. But let's face it when your option is your feet, it's harder to get stuff done and share it with others. I wanted SO much for my friends to know how I cared, and hoped that they knew it.... I was concerned that maybe I wasn't doing enough to repay all that they do for me.

But I did begin to make a list of good things I do/did whether for friends or not..... Here's some of what I discovered: attended a wedding reception, helped my parents in the yard, sent a text to a friend that I was thinking of, hosting a celebratory party for a friend, baby-sitting for neices and nephew. It was a nice change to think good things about myself instead of being so hard on myself.

And.... I realized something else-very important and very true!!! You are only as limited as you choose to be!!!

Something to think about.

Triggers and Signals

Lately I have been thinking about "triggers and signals." For example, example what tends "trigger" my anxiety and the "signals" of how I know it likely my anxiety causing problems, not something else..... Obviously, each case is going to be different but here are some examples of how it has happened in my own life......

I recall once being in church and suddenly feeling so mad and anxious about going to a family dinner later that day. I was mad that I didn't have a car, why did I need to go with my parents, etc. All valid points but as I backtraced my thoughts they really had little to do with the source of my tension. Rather, it was that there were some tough situations at work, I didn't want my parents to worry, I didnt' want to talk about it with them, but I was so worried that the topic would come up on the 15 drive to the family dinner. But as I worried more on that topic, it led to being mad about not having a car, mad about driving somewhere with my parents, etc.

So when I'm able to recognize that my thoughts, anxiety, has taken a major leap, I know I need to stop, think and realize what the real problem is.

Another is how I communicate and my impulses. When I am communicating via phone, text or e-mail more than is typical during the day(s) it's usually a sign of anxiety. My impulse to contain my thoughts, wait on them, etc. is much lower. It's also much harder to control my impulses with eating.

In order to recognize your own signals and triggers, first you have to be aware behaviors and attititudes are more typical, the norm for you. I find that it helps to have a "routine" so it's easier to assess when the routine is off. I also will write down my feelings, how I felt, when, why, so that I become more familiar with them over time and they become easier to recognize.

What signals and triggers have you recognized in your own life? And how did you come to recognize them?

Just Being Myself-Not Right or Wrong

In some areas I can be a perfectionist at times-I like to have good hair days, have outfits that coordinate with accessories. I like to have "everything in it's place." To name a few.....

But...... there are also areas where I am NOT a perfectionist. For examples, hanging pictures on my wall. If no one is around, I'll hang it myself, even if it is a bit (or more than a bit) crooked! It just doesn't bother me. When I have dinner guests all the glasses and plates and silverware do not match or even come close to it.... And a centerpiece? Forget about it! Perhaps in the future though....

The point is, there are those I know and love who are bothered by crooked pictures and who make beautiful centerpieces. They do care about those things and good for them! The point is that we can all care about different things, do different things well, and it's OK! Truly, there is no right or wrong.

Remember that and trust me, I am working on remembering it myself......

Unhealthy Friendships, 2

Part two about unhealthy friendships.....
Brain injury or not, making friends has not necessarily come easy for me. I've had my share of ups and downs which is motivated to write this specific blog post. For anyone who has been in that position, my hope is to share what I have learned, let you know that you are not alone, and to perhaps benefit someone else. Your feedback/experiences are welcome as well!

As in the last blog post, there's red flag for friendship, but also a resolution!
Red Flag: Constant compliments, affirmation
It is no secret to those who know me that I am sucker for sentimentality-I save cards, replay conversations in my head, reread e-mails, etc. And that's OK! However, there can be too much of a good thing...... As previously mentioned, there have been friends who have not treated me well. They would expect me to do things with them on their timetable, show up late when we had made plans, occassionally criticized for miniscule things.

And I let them treat me like that. Why? Because mistreatment was usually followed by a string of compliments. I really liked hearing all these good things about myself (who doesn't?), and so even though I deserved better, the compliments made me like putty, and all was forgotten.

Resolution: Recognize that you deserve better
I can't speak for everyone, obviously, only myself. But I have learned that no matter how much I feel/think I NEED that person to be my friend, and as scary as it may be to let the friendship go (will another friend come along???) being used, criticized, etc. simply isn't worth it. And I found as I believed that about myself, that I deserved better, the easier it was to attract those who would be a good friend to me. Not easy, but doable!!!

Questions??? Comments???

Unhealthy Friendships

Friendships are, I believe, a crucial part of life, well-being, etc. However, forming healthy, lasting relationships can also be easier said than done! For me, at least in the beginning, friendship requires concious thought, rethinking and relearning. Due to the brain injury, it can be harder to read social cues, have social anxiety, etc creates challenges in forming friendships. BUT..... While I'm no expert, I have learned a few things along the way and I would like to share them with you. Perhaps, they will be of use to you, as well!!!!

First, I had a lot to learn about what defines a healthy/unhealthy relationship. Because I struggled making friends for so many years, I came to believe that anyone who was willing to be my friend, was a good friend. After all, who knew if/when another friend would come along? As a result, I would let myself be used by peers, get myself into an unhealthy relationship.

Learning as I went along, I began to discover red flags of an unhealthy relationship. Red Flag #1: friend wants you to do everything with them, on their schedule. Example: I had been thinking about joining a gym for fun, but money was tight. My friend, who admitted, she was overweight, also wanted to join a gym. She offered to pay my gym fees for me, but on one condition, that "whenever I go to the gym, you have to go with me." Um, no thanks.

How to get out of this red flag? Trust Yourself. And your instincts. Because I had treated myself as if I needed anyone to be a friend, those close to me had learned to see me that way as well. So, when I did voice my concerns to others, they saw it as her "being a good friend." But in my gut, I knew something wasn't quite right and so in time that led me to end the relationship.

Your thoughts or experiences are welcome!!!!

Next blog: more friendship red flags and resolutions.... stay tuned!!!

The Importance of Being Aware

Lately, I've been learning a lot about myself, being aware of what works, what doesn't, etc. These can be difficult lessons to learn at times but I have found some ways to make the learning easier because I've found these lessons to be very valuable!

For me, the best time for learning comes when my routine is "off" The next is to "stop and think." For example, on nights when I expect to sleep well but instead wake up in the middle of the night. I pause to consider my routine. "What did I do/not do before bed? What is happening tomorrow? Are any of these things enough to keep me awake?"

Sometimes the answer surprises me. For example, a sink with a few dirty dishes or some clothes on the closet floor may not seem like much but I have learned that even a minor mess can lead me to go to bed feeling "unfinished" and then I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to clean and "finish the job" Thus, I'm more motivated to do a basic clean-up before going back to bed.

I have also learned what effects my hobbies/exercise habits. I love to run and until a couple months ago, did most of my running inside on my treadmill. This was due to winter, rain, full-time work, etc. Then I started running outside with some friends a couple times a week. Now that school is out for the summer/more free time, I expected to get a lot of treadmill time in. Nope! Now that the weather is (getting warmer) and I've been running outside more, my treadmill has become unappealing to me! I still want/need the exercise but now I plan my schedule for outside runs.

So, final things to consider- your routine: what is typical/what is not? When things are off, what do you want/need to change?
It's not necessarily easy but becoming more aware about yourself can really pay off. Happy learning!!!